Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Actually it looked a lot like this because this is it. The goal was to design a squirrel, a badger, or a muskrat that would fit into a video game in a "helper" role. I figured this badger would follow you around and shoot enemies with his love arrows... then instead of wanting to kill you, they would just find you attractive. If their attraction became too aggressive, I suppose you'd have a new set of problems to deal with, but it's not really a game, so I'm not too concerned.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
All right... based on the reflection in my monitor, I'm pretty sure he's standing behind me right now. This may be my last post.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
1 - I've never seen so much as a minute from any episode of the Star Trek franchise... not the original series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, or The College Years. I've also never seen a Star Trek film. I don't have anything against Star Trek, but I don't really have anything for it either.
2 - It bothers me when people tell me to "turn off the TV and pick up a book." I think reading's great... if you're stranded alone on an island or if you hate everyone you know and don't wish to speak to them or enjoy their company. A few years back, I tried to read all of the Harry Potter books. I've never felt so anti-social. The books were fine, but I might as well have been in a coma considering how much human interaction I experienced that summer. Think of someone you know who absolutely loves reading... that's all you know about them, isn't it.
3 - I don't run for fun... because running for fun is impossible. I'll run as hard as I can if I'm playing basketball or crossing a freeway, but running for fun? Hitting myself in the head with a hammer sounds more fun than running. One of my old roommates used to invite me to go running with him. From what? Are there wolves in the apartment? Because if there are, I'll run without question or invitation. But if our apartment is as wolf-free as it appears to be, I'll save my running for sports and moments of extreme cowardice.
4 - I can fly... if you count airplanes and let a pilot help me. I can also fly if you're willing to consider "free falling" a form of flight. But since that would require me to fall from something, I prefer to fly the "airplane" way, thank you.
5 - Nothing makes me more angry than people who talk during movies, bad referees, and drivers who don't understand the "stay right except to pass" part of freeway driving. Actually lots of other things make me that angry. My list of things that don't make me angry would be much shorter... maybe I should go that route.
6 - The sixth thing that is interesting about me is that there are only five things that are interesting about me. That blows my mind.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Look at this drawing... I used that exact technique. Obviously I wasn't sure how to draw a turkey's head. No matter... that's why a page has borders. Clever staging seamlessly covered up that potential hang-up. I wasn't the best at drawing trees either, so I labeled the tree, thus wiping away any possible confusion there. And if you're having trouble finding the fox, that's because I cut back on drawing time by hiding his body behind the labeled tree. If you still can't find him, just read the labels.
But the best part of this drawing is its clear depiction of the first Thanksgiving... when the pilgrims and the feathered-beret-wearing pimps gathered together in the tall dead, grass of autumn beneath hovering trees to feast, to give thanks, and to make fun of people who wore purple jumpsuits... which is still what Thanksgiving means to me.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't eat turkey if turkeys were cute or if they tasted bad, but ugly and delicious? There's nothing safe about that combination. There's lots of stuff to be thankful for on Thanksgiving... family, health, paid vacation days, football, Christmas, etc. But mostly I'm thankful I'm not a turkey.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Answer: Most sources will tell you they are the same thing, but in actuality, there is one major difference... mountain lions carry canteens.
Question: What is the difference between a mountain lion and a mountain man?
Answer: The tail.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
When languages were originally developed, couldn't we have just made up an entirely new word for each new thing? Theodor Geisel got his doctorate in making up words, so I know there's potential for lots more of them than we're using. We needn't be giving multiple meanings to the few we have. I still giggle when Gene Autry insists that I be "merry and gay" each Christmas. Synonymns make me mad... by which I mean both "angry" and "nutty."
Monday, November 05, 2007
Check back soon... more stuff's on the way.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Happy Halloween, everybody!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Just kidding, Mom... you're the best! Sorry I didn't help you with the raking, but I've never felt comfortable around piles of leaves... as you can see.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
My feelings about "noise" make me realize how old I'm getting. When I was a kid, adults were always telling me to quiet down. I couldn't figure out why old people were so objected to sound, but somewhere in the last thirty years... I got old. Last week someone cruised by our house on a motorcycle, and I thought, "What, are you trying to wake up the whole neighborhood?" I was also upset that the motorcyclist was visiting our street from a world without speed limits. What? I'm way too young to be this old. Fortunately I didn't confront him or I'd have probably ended up offering him sixpence to get a haircut. Crazy hooligan!
Wait, was this about unicorns? They were hooligans too.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Driving a truck would be one of the worst jobs I can imagine. I experience plenty of road rage just driving to work... if driving was work, the rage would never subside. That giant mug is based on my own 64-ouncer that I used to fill with Cherry Coke at least once a day. I switched to water when I realized I was beginning to look like this gentleman.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
"I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.
It felt good to be out of the rain.
In the desert you can remember your name,
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain."
Is that a triple negative in the last line?! Glorious! I'm also impressed that they managed to rhyme a seemingly unrhymable word like "name" with the equally complex word "name." Genius! But the most incredible thing about this song is the attitude of the guy who sings it. Finding himself lost in the desert on a horse he can't even converse with because he hasn't the means to address it, instead of focusing on his inevitable thirst-related death, what he thinks is, "How nice that it's not raining." Good for him.
One time I sprained my ankle and forgot my name for a couple weeks... pain will do that. If only we could all live in the carefree desert.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A sheep whose wool has been sheered appears to be more naked than a wool-covered sheep, but neither of them is "clothed." If you shaved all of your dog's hair and covered yourself with it, you wouldn't say you were wearing your dog's clothes... you would say, "I'm a disgusting individual with no foreseeable hope of marrying." You wouldn't have to say that, though. People are intuitive about things like that... they would know.
So what have I drawn here? A sheep in wolf's clothing? Come on - let's call it what it is... a "sheep under wolf's carcass." It doesn't sound as charming, but accuracy trumps eloquence. Hey, look! I just found a worse saying!
Monday, August 27, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Even if you don't like him or his music, you can't argue that John Denver's the coolest person who was ever born with the last name "Deutschendorf." Sunshine on his shoulders made him happy. Guest appearances and Christmas specials with the Muppets made him a star.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
While the older gentleman on the left is trying to figure out why he has fewer fingers on his left hand than everyone else in town, the guy on the right stares in hat-floating amazement at the remains of a man who was born with his head upside down. Anatomy... not a popular subject in the Wild West... or for me.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I never realized how much fun it is to draw cowboys... all the more reason to bring a sketchbook to the state fair next month. That place is a sketchbook goldmine with its pig races, bears on unicycles, countless wandering fair-going weirdos, and the opportunity to see the world's tallest horse for just fifty cents. Yeah, I know if I'm there, that makes me a "fair-going weirdo" too. But at least my belt buckle's smaller than my head.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Jiminy Cricket is the coolest. He taught me that, if I don't ride my bike into oncoming traffic, I might live to be 23. I'm getting close to 33 now, so I must have subconsciously heard the second verse too. Actually I just don't ride a bike at all... which is the best way to avoid bicycle-riding death. I'm no fool.
I hung Jiminy Cricket on the rear-view mirror in my car... but not in the "Old West execution" style like it sounds. It's actually a Christmas tree ornament, and Jiminy's hanging from his umbrella... not his neck. I put him there because I thought having a conscience nearby might curb my road-rage. Hasn't really worked, though. If you're not passing anyone, get to the right! Even "plastic Jiminy ornament" knows that.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
I've heard people say at the end of a tiring day that it was "no day at the beach." For me a day at the beach is worse. A typical one consists of about nine hours of fighting the ocean tide, a three-mile walk through the sand while the sun sets, and about eight hours of card games. A day at the beach nearly kills me because a night at the beach is only a few minutes long.
This drawing shows how I feel when I get home from a typical vacation. Now that I think about it, if I had 120 vacation days a year, I'd already be dead. It would just be more time I'd refuse to waste.
I love vacations... they're a fun way to die.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
One other thing - next week is "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel. Don't miss it or you'll risk having nightmares about other stuff.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
This is what would happen if a monkey and an elephant got into a fight, because elephants are too friendly and jolly to beat up monkeys, so they'd just yo-yo them and stuff... which I guess isn't all that friendly. This theory needs work.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Now summer is the same as every other time of year except there's a lot more yard work, there's no football or basketball on TV, and I burst into flames every time I get in my car. Any season that includes weekly lawn-mowing is an enemy to me. I'm ready for fall... with its 70-degree days, football season, and the return of entertaining TV. Summer's so lame.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Genetically I am a grab bag of all that is undesirable from both sides of my family tree. I got the enormous head from the Garns, and from the Lewis side I got the excessive amounts of "sweaty" and "hairy," as well as the crooked nose. When I wear glasses I look a little bit insane or like I was just in a fight because glasses won't sit horizontally across my face... on my giant head. Hooray for genetics.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Luckily the Jaws sequels made sharks less scary by continuously increasing in absurdity. In Jaws II, the shark took down a helicopter. A little hard to swallow... both for me and for the shark. Jaws III featured a shark that was roughly the size of Florida. Hurry to Sea World, everyone... they finally got a Megalodon. In Jaws IV: The Revenge, a descendant of the original "Jaws" shark followed the Brody widow all the way to the Bahamas. This lady's husband died of a heart attack caused by his own intense fear of sharks, one of her sons was eaten by a shark, and her other son was studying in the Bahamas to become a marine biologist. Hey, Brodys... move inland! Coastal cities and islands aren't for people who've managed to offend multiple generations of great whites.
One time my sister's high school class watched Jaws on a big screen while sitting on rafts and tubes in the darkened city pool. What a great idea! Maybe the mutant who planned that activity can arrange for next year's seniors to watch Shawshank in Shawshank. Come for the popcorn... stay for the violent prison beatings. I don't even like watching Jaws on my couch... no way I'm watching it in (or near) a pool. Sharks are cool... if you like nightmares. And thanks to that night my dad was my babysitter, I've had a lot of them.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Monday, July 02, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
It's a shame that potential employers care so little about the good grade you got in "Spell Casting," and the way they mock you when you say they haven't heard of the school you graduated from because it can only be accessed through an invisible portal at the train station. Way to prepare your students for the real world, Hogwarts.
I don't mean to imply by this that flipping pancakes at IHOP is a bad occupation... but when you're trained in the largely useless art of wizardry, it must feel like a big step down. Sorry to have spoiled the big twist at the end of the final book.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
My ninth-grade Geometry teacher took a month off of work (probably for a medical procedure of some kind), and he told us he wouldn't be around because he was trying out for American Gladiators. Some of the students believed him, but I knew the show well enough to know that "Out-Weigh All of the Gladiators Combined" wasn't one of their events. Too bad, though... he would have smoked them in that.
Is American Gladiators the best TV show ever? Probably not. But is it the best show ever about over-grown beast-people using padded clubs and tennis ball guns to beat the crap out of bus drivers and grocery store clerks? I dare to assume that it's at least in the top four or five. Seriously - what's not to like? It's a recipe for magic! Thank heavens for reruns.
Friday, June 22, 2007
I suppose it's time again to write about one of my favorite topics... dumb Google searches. Yeah, the gag's a little over-played on my blog, but there have been some classics recently:
- online sketches of lizards
- how do I make my widescreen movie fullscreen?
- do kangaroos have arms?
- a blue cheetah that is retarded and stupid and it could defend anyone against a polar bear
- how to you how draw a chipmunk?
Well, "How" to you too, Chief! Looking to add some chipmunk drawings to the outside of your teepee? Do they have stencils for that kind of thing maybe? I wish I could be of more help.
Online sketches of lizards? Do you really need to say the "online" part? Have you ever been referred by Google to a sketchbook someone's carrying around? And if you're not that specific you're going to have to track down the guy who drew the lizard yourself and ask to see it?
How do you make widescreen movies fullscreen? Let's see... sit really close... move plants and bookshelves to block the sides of your TV... wear horse blinders. Plenty of ways.
Do kangaroos have arms? Is your internet presented in Braille? Because if not, I'm not sure how you'll ever get your answer. Well, I guess there's the "ask ANYONE" option, because that's who would know if kangaroos have arms.
And lastly... who even knew you could do a Google search that long? A blue cheetah, huh? That could defend anyone against a polar bear? That seems to be asking a lot of an animal that's retarded AND stupid... especially a discolored jungle cat. (If you do that search, my blog is the number one result. Where have I gone wrong?)
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
"Everything I've said about you can be covered with makeup and a lie about a thyroid problem."
"It’s his glasses. They make him look like a lizard. Plus he’s self-conscious."
"I don’t criticize you. And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense."
And when her granddaughter asked if they could go get ice cream:
"I don’t think so. That chubby little wrist of yours is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is."
I may have to take a break from doing these character drawings so I can accomplish other things with my life, but Michael, George Sr., G.O.B., George Michael, Lindsay, and Maeby will all be on the way someday.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
We got to the movie over an hour early so we could have any seat in the theater... and we got the best seats there... in the center of the back row. Back row? Exactly. Then everyone who talks during the movie is facing away from me... no one can kick my seat... things like that. Why be surrounded by idiots when the back row offers a boundary from them on at least one side?
Now, don’t worry - I know Ratatouille hasn’t been released yet, so I’m not going to give anything away. All I’ll say about it is that Pixar is 8-for-8... a fine start for a movie studio. Lots of studios are making animated films, but only one of them has never messed up. Pixar’s incredible! Honestly, I loved it before I even saw it because Brad Bird’s a genius, Pixar’s story people are the best there are (better than me? what?), and John Lasseter... well, if I love him so much, why don't I marry him? I can think of several undeniable reasons, but he's awesome. So I went into it with insanely high expectations... and I still wasn't disappointed.
The animation blew my mind. Remy's only communication with Linguini was through gesturing and expressions... and that takes a lot of thought and work. And making Linguini look like he was moving against his will couldn't have been easy... and kind of goes against everything I learned in animation classes and books. It all looked beautiful! You know what... just go see it... June 29th. It's another great movie that everyone will love forever... or at least I will. Hooray for PIXAR and the way they saved animation several years back... and for continuously adding more classics to the history of animated movies. If any PIXAR people read this... thanks. You're the best!
And just one more thing for the movie-going public... if you have to text message during the film, maybe you’re too important to see a movie in the first place. If your wife is about to give birth and you’re expecting a call, maybe you shouldn’t be at a movie either. The technology that offers you enough light to see who’s calling you or to read the text message you just received is the same technology that is blinding everyone behind you. They may not say it or do it, but everyone wants to punch you in the back of the head. Just a head’s up.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Happy birthday to my brother, Landon... 19 today. "Hey, brother."