Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy New Year!

2006 is down to its last few hours. Starting tomorrow morning, I'll be writing the wrong year on checks and things for the following four to seven months. Really looking forward to that. It's been a good year... new job, new blog, new house, fun trips, lovely wife...

Happy New Year, everyone!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Back to Sketches

A fox with a stretched out body... a snail with a beard... a cash-carrying fellow in a terrified sprint... a lady stirring a mixing bowl with her foot. If this page of sketches only had some vampires and assorted birds, it would be a showcase of everything that Christmas means to me. Oh, hey - there they are!

May your next few days be as festive and fun as a long-bodied fox is crafty. What?

Friday, December 15, 2006

Merry Christmas to All

This is my Christmas card to all of you who still come to this place I call "blog." I don't know a lot of you personally, but it's nice knowing that you stop by occasionally to see what I've drawn and to partake of my mental wanderings. I'm glad there's you, or I probably wouldn't have a blog. So thank you all, and happy holidays!

Merry Christmas from me to you. And you other religions - some greetings too.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Conan & the Manatee

As part of a joke on his show last week, Conan O'Brien mentioned a fake website. He found out later that NBC has to buy any website he mentions if it doesn't already exist, so for $159, NBC became the owner of HornyManatee.com. Conan didn't want the site to go to waste, so they started adding stuff to it, including fan art. I sent in this one that I spent about a half hour on. Conan and his show are the coolest.

I bet some of you sailors would like to have a mermaid like this one over for spaghetti. Am I right?

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Two Turtle Doves

The Twelve Days of Christmas is a ridiculous song. If you sing at a fast tempo and skip five or six verses, you can sing the whole thing in just under 40 minutes. Yet sadly, the song's length is the most sane thing about it. I love Christmas carols... but I do not like The Twelve Days of Christmas.

In the first seven days of the song (which, as far as I can tell, is sung in real time), a total of 59 birds are presented as gifts. Fifty-nine birds? Did I give you the wrong impression concerning my feelings for birds? I mean, I have nothing against them, but let's leave some of them outside. Maybe one of these days of Christmas I could get a truck full of bird seed, because tuppence doesn't grow on trees.

And ten lords a leaping? I don't even know what I'd do with one lord a leaping. I'm going to have to rent a bus just to take them all down to the pier. Now, nine ladies dancing... there's a gift! That's something I've wanted for a long time. See - if you personalize a gift like that, good things happen. But the lords and the drummers and the sanctuary's worth of birds... ridiculous.

Perhaps the most upsetting thing of all about The Twelve Days of Christmas... there's only ONE day of Christmas. December 25th. Maybe for next year's one day of Christmas I'll get my true love a calendar.

(When my wife saw this drawing, she said, "You know - turtle doves aren't half turtle." I know that. I'm not an idiot. They're half dove.)

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You Better Watch Out!

I drew this for our Christmas card last year, based on the song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Some of my friends said they had to hide or destroy the card because it was scaring their kids. That song always made me a little uncomfortable, so I was glad to relay that terror to a new generation of children.

"He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows when you get home from school,
And he knows what bus you take."
That's not exactly how the song goes, but I think the lines I added are implied. If he sees me when I'm sleeping AND when I'm awake... what else is there? He sees everything I do! It's a Christmas stalking. Normally I avoid puns, but in this case I'm not ashamed. It had to be said.

Monday, December 04, 2006

A Little Mermaid

It has been widely suggested that manatees (or "menatee") could be behind the myth of the mermaid. Sailors who were unfamiliar with manatees may have seen them and mistook them for the mythical, human-like species. A manatee surfacing in a patch of seaweed could have appeared to be a mermaid with long, flowing hair.

How much ocean water do you have to drink before manatees begin to look like attractive, young maidens? And if ocean madness isn't to blame here, how ugly were the women these mermaid-discovering sailors left at port if "woman" was a logical title for the first sea cow they ever saw draped in seaweed?


I should have drawn what the sailors were actually seeing, but I wanted to draw a pretty mermaid instead. Maybe another day.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Curse of the Tiki

The Brady Bunch taught me long ago that tikis are cursed. A giant tarantula on Peter's chest... Greg can't surf perfectly... obviously a tiki is to blame. Spiders and surfing wipe outs don't just happen on their own. And so I have to side with the Bradys on this one... tikis are cursed.

The greatest curse of the tiki is its inability to move its arms for swatting or wiping, combined with the frequent company it shares with tropical birds. And even more of a curse to the tikis - the birds sing the exact same songs all day long on a 21-minute loop.


Birds are a curse to tikis. Tikis are a curse to humans. Humans eat birds, flip birds, and carve tikis. It's a complicated cycle, but a cycle indeed.

Hey... this is my 100th post! Thanks to all of you who have kept me going with your visits and comments. I'm having a good time with the blog... a hundred more posts are on the way shortly. Well, not too shortly.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Save the Turkeys!

Turkey goes great with bacon and avocados on sourdough, but as attractive as turkeys are, the meat that hangs from their bones just isn't my favorite. So this year we've decided to do the humane thing and not eat the traditional Thanksgiving turkey. On a less humane note, this Thursday's dinner will feature my very first Thanksgiving Ham. Sorry, pigs... there's simply no getting around the fact that you're delicious. Don't get too comfortable, though, turkeys... as long as there's bacon, avocados, and sourdough bread to be enjoyed, every day you're on deck as a possible sandwich.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Road Hogs

While staying in a motel in Universal City on Monday night, I saw the greatest thing ever on the news... a story that began as a boring traffic report. Cars were backed up for miles on the Golden State Freeway near Sylmar (about 25 miles north of Los Angeles), after two trucks collided, causing the cargo of one to be scattered over 80 feet of several lanes of freeway. That truck's cargo? Frozen pigs.

I hate when traffic is caused by drivers slowing down to check out the scene of an accident, but in this case I fully endorse it. You can't just drive by hundreds of frozen pigs on a freeway... that's against every natural law on this planet. Once I was passing through Vegas and found a section of the freeway littered with cheap, plush bears wearing backpacks... even ran over a couple. Before Monday night, that was the coolest cargo spill I'd ever seen. But the frozen pigs blew away the backpacked bears. These should be the names of sports teams... I can totally hear that last line as an intro on SportsCenter.

What a waste of pigs... right? Aren't they all inedible now? Didn't they all die in vain? No! Without their sacrifice, what would I have laughed at on TV Monday night? "Studio 60?" Hardly. Tuesday morning I had several strips of bacon for breakfast in memorial... nay! In celebration!

Thank you, frozen pigs. And thanks to the gentleman who drove the plow that shoved you all into the roadside ditch. You all presented a level of entertainment that Monday-night NBC refuses to provide. Frozen pigs on the freeway... wonderful in so many ways... one of which is not "smell." (Or so it was reported by the unfortunate news woman who was on location to cover this story as the spilled cargo began to thaw).

Monday, November 13, 2006

Speedy Cheetahs

Cheetahs are the fastest of all land animals. They have been known to reach speeds up to 70 miles an hour. I had a Ford Tempo once that was known to reach speeds up to 67 miles an hour, at which point it shook so violently that the glove compartment opened on its own.

Seventy miles an hour, cheetahs? I find that difficult to believe. No one can ride a unicycle that fast... especially considering the wind-resistance commonly caused by party hats.


I drew this for Jared Hess. He signed a "Nacho Libre" poster for me, and on the poster he wrote, "Maybe you could draw a cheetah for me some day." And so I did. I doubt anyone will ever understand why this particular cheetah is riding a unicycle... including me.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Flying Things

The first time the Wright Brothers flew, they landed after only 12 seconds. The only time this guy flew, he landed in just over two gasps and a scream. I'm not sure how many seconds that is, but it's probably more than twelve. The higher the cliff, the longer the flight... the longer the "flight," the deader the caveman.

Friday, November 03, 2006

The Narwhalrus

I've heard that there are some animals that live so deep in the ocean that we'll never see them or even know they exist. But if we'll never know they exist, how do we know they exist? That thought just gave me a headache, like when I try to do math.

The Narwhalrus, whose existence will never be disproved, is the only animal that sports both a stash of food and a 'stache of gorgeous, flowing handlebar. Why aren't there more animals that carry a skewer of future meals on their heads? How primitive are we with our grocery bags and "take out" boxes? Something for evolution to consider.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Welcoming November

This morning when I turned on the kitchen light, I was horrified to find a terrible thing on our kitchen table. Staring at me from right there where I had hoped to eat breakfast... a human skull. What the crap?! Is this some kind of joke? Who did this?

This kind of thing happens to me every year on the first of November. What was festive and fun the day before becomes deplorable over night. Waking up to November is like waking up from hypnosis. Why did I decorate my house that way? And what was I wearing? The minute Halloween ends, I'm ready to move on.

In moving on, though, I don't like to skip straight from Halloween to Christmas. As of today I expect to hear Christmas music and see holiday displays showing up in stores. But what about November? Pretending November doesn't exist is disrespectful to the fat, ugly, stupid turkey I'm going to be eating in 22 days... and if there's anything I have for turkeys, it is respect... and gravy.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

New York City

When my wife and I returned home after a week in New York City, I wanted to summarize our entire trip with a single sketch. What should I draw? The Statue of Liberty? Too predictable. Times Square? Already been drawn a million times by artists far better than me. The $17 cheeseburger I ate? Seventeen dollars? I don't spend that much on shoes! In the end I decided to draw the handsome gentlewoman who sauntered by on 14-inch heels last Friday night in Grand Central Station. A thing of beauty... emphasis on "thing"... and scratch the "beauty."

How huge is Central Park? They can't put up a few signs in there along the countless, winding paths to help people find their way out? We wandered around that labyrinth for nearly two hours looking for an escape. I'd heard there were homeless people who live there. They're not homeless - they're just stuck.

We saw the Lion King... Broadway tickets are expensive. We could have bought upwards of three cheeseburgers each for what we spent to get into that show. It was good, though. The costumes were great. We also went to the Late Show with David Letterman... well, he met us there. And somehow we lucked into a show that had Brian Regan as one of the guests. He's hilarious... one of my favorite comedians ever. We also got to see the exact place where King Kong died after being shot down by airplanes... a moment of silence.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Dracula

Here's the Dracula that I drew a few weeks back for Toon Club but forgot to post on here. It's not my favorite, but I wanted to post something because it's been a while. My wife and I spent the last week in New York City... doing all the touristy things. I'll write something about that on here soon with more details of all we did... as though you care.

Those of you who have blogs and have added stuff to them in the last week... I just spent the last little while looking at all you've done. Amazing! You're each very talented, impressive, and attractive. I wish I could comment on all of your posts individually, but who has that kind of time? I still haven't even seen last week's "Lost" yet. Lots of catching up to do.

Monday, October 16, 2006

It's Rainbowing Dogs

Dogs are smooth, colorful, and largely void of detail. If you believe that, you'll be amazed at the realism I was able to achieve in these drawings. If you don't believe that, I hope you can still enjoy a rainbow of quickly-drawn, even-more-quickly-colored, dog-like shapes.

I recently had a few laughs after seeing some of the phrases people are Googling to find their way to my blog. Here are some of my favorites from the last week:
  • Angry chipmunk
  • Horrifying prehistoric shark
  • Street sweeper gun drawings
  • Largest known beaver dam
  • Snakes killing things video
  • Kicked my crotch

Who's running these searches? And they're being directed to me? What have I done? Listen - if you're unsure whether or not you've been kicked in the crotch... don't Google it. Just wait a second... you'll know.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Dead Man's Party

If you're a zombie... congratulations. You've just been granted a second chance at life... a chance to do all that you missed before your original demise. So why is it that the first act for most of the "living dead" is to vandalize people's homes? Are they lying in their graves thinking, "I totally wasted my life! Why didn't I spend more time kicking in walls, ripping doors from their hinges, and uprooting floorboards?" Then along comes some curse on humanity or a Michael Jackson video (it can be difficult to differentiate between the two), and without hesitation they set out to inflict property damage.

If I ever become a zombie, first I'm going on an Alaskan cruise, because as things are shaping up in my current life, I'm going to die before that happens. A zombie cruise ship... take it and run, Hollywood! Pure gold. This zombie has decided to enjoy his new life a little. It's a dead man's party! Who could ask for more?

Actually he was probably alive and well before he had a bite of that cotton candy... vile snack food of the damned!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Classic Pinocchio

As hard as it is to believe, this is not a Pinocchio screen cap. Then I must have held a piece of paper up to my TV screen and traced it... right? Wrong. As "on model" as this sketch is, from Gideon's slight backward lean to the photo-real perspective of the book, you'll be amazed to learn that I actually drew this when I was a kid. No, really! Or possibly when I was in college.

I was going through some old boxes recently and found this drawing with a handfull of other priceless gems. The only thing I don't like about this drawing is that it made me realize how little I've improved. I've always loved Pinocchio... still my favorite movie. I'll post more of these "classic" drawings in the future.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Jack-O-Brains

Drawing this picture reminded me... I like pumpkin pie.
Happy Thanksgiving, Canadians!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I'm Totally LOST

If you've never watched Lost, you know more about what's going on than I do. The more I watch it, the less I know. Having seen every episode, I don't even know how to spell my own name. Each episode introduces hundreds of questions without answering any that were presented previously.

When my wife saw this sketch, she said, "Why does Eko have a tail?" That's the only thing that struck her as odd? This show makes no sense at all... and I love it! There was actually a polar bear on the island at one point. What? And why do the Others keep sharks in the same aquarium as dolphins? I hope they're at least separated by a fence of some kind.

I drew this for our
Avalanche Software blog... the topic of our art challenge was "Lost." There was no way I was going to post a caricature or a painting on there... the other artists here are far too intimidating. I went with an image of what I feel like I've seen after watching each episode... something I wouldn't be too surprised to see in the next season or two.

I know what you Lost fans are thinking... "Hurley doesn't wear glasses!"

Today's lucky numbers are: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. What? I'm so Lost.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Manatees

How accurate is it to categorize manatees as "wildlife?" Surfacing for air is about the wildest thing they do, and I've seen pine cones more full of life. It's nearly impossible to tell the difference between a manatee and a log floating at sea. The only way you can tell is if one of them appaers to smile at you for a second... that's the log.

Over the weekend we went to see Jim Gaffigan's stand-up comedy show. He's a funny man, and he was nice too. He hung around after to sign autographs and pose for pictures for everyone who wanted one. It was Jim's "manatee" material that inspired me to draw these ugly things. "You can call me the manatee!" "Yeah right, sea cow."

What is the plural of "manatee?" Menatee? If you stare at this drawing for a while, it's pretty much the same experience as going to see them in an aquarium. Wave to them. Did they wave back? Of course not... stupid sea cattle.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Monday, September 25, 2006

Halloween Sketches

So many of you have been posting Halloweenish sketches and paintings lately... I was inspired to try some of my own. I wanted to draw some scary-looking Halloweeners (probably not the best name for them), but it turns out I don't draw "scary." Everything I ever drew in college got the same response from other students... "Oh, that's cute." Cute? That's a guy wearing a pony carcass getting hit by a train. I actually didn't draw that... yet. But I bet I could make it "cute." More Halloweeners will be on the way soon.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wile E. Coyote

I'd probably think twice before getting involved in an activity that might require me to have a "Yipe" or an "Ouch" sign on hand.

I was watching old Looney Tunes cartoons with someone a while ago, and he wondered where the Coyote kept getting all those signs from. An invisible backpack? I don't know. That never really bothered me. Obviously wherever he gets them, he's buying in bulk. What bothered me was that he had planned to fail when he wrote on his signs. Maybe he had one that said, "I finally killed him!" but never got to use it. If you carry around a "Yipe" sign, you're asking to fall off a cliff.

Toon Club's topic for this week was Looney Tunes - a very hard topic to draw something for. There's no competing with Chuck Jones. I don't love the way the Coyote turned out... probably should have done a second sketch. The background was fun, though. I like not coloring inside the lines. I don't know why I put my copyright on there... I obviously don't own this character. Just a habit.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Kevin Watermelonrind

Last week's Toon Club topic was "Tall Tales." I spent most of the week going to Disneyland, so I had to rush to get mine done last night. I had a few ideas for a scene that included Kevin Watermelonrind AND Johnny Appleseed, but there wasn't time for that, so all you get is Kevin... standing boringly alone. If watermelon rind yielded watermelon when planted, perhaps Kevin would have been a pioneer and American legend like Johnny Appleseed. Because it doesn't, Kevin Watermelonrind is a buffoon. At least he tried to plant something... which is more than I've ever done.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Sketches Again

Here we go... diving a little deeper into the stack of sketches I found by my desk last week. I still like the idea of "The Bearded Womanatee" as a circus freak, but that quick sketch was all I did before deciding on The Headless-Horse Man instead. I need to get back to drawing manatees soon... they're fun to draw because they have no detectable skeletal structure, and the uglier the drawing, the closer it is to "accurate."

Of these 7 characters, five of them have the same mouth. Sometimes I marvel at my artistic range. Let's just assume that it's depressing to not be a dog.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Stupid Bus Numbers

As a kid I never remembered my bus number on the first day of school. When I got on the bus to school that morning, I was still in my sleep. I’d have climbed aboard a garbage truck if it had stopped at the right street corner. It was never until directly after school that I remembered how important that little number is. Some kids dread going “back to school.” For me the nightmare was getting home again.

Why are school buses identical? Is that some kind of joke? Wouldn’t it be easier if one bus was green, one was a double-decker, and one had a spoiler and a disco ball? If I rode a bus to school that had a giant unicorn painted on the side, I bet I could find that bus again when it came time to return home.

Identical buses… what a terrible thing to do to kids. There are lots of other terrible things you can do to kids, but I’ll save those for another day.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Rabbits Need Claws

Do not declaw your rabbit! Unlike cats, the bottoms of a rabbit's feet have no pads, so they need their claws to balance. Declawing your rabbit would basically cripple it, so only do that if you're intentionally punishing it... in which case you really need to lighten up on your rabbit.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Being Too Safe

I've heard it said that "you can never be too safe." What about this kid? He's waiting for a bus. He's so "safe" that the other kids will most likely beat him up... and if they don't, I will, because he totally deserves it. Nice oven mitts, safety boy!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Monkeys & Puppets

Monkeys can't do puppet shows... that's a good title for a song. Maybe a country song... or reggae. You see, monkeys lack the opposable thumbs required to operate a puppet's mouth. Beyond that, monkeys can't speak, making puppetry quite impossible for monkeys on at least two levels. A ventriloquist monkey would be even more confusing, because now no one's mouth is moving. This could all be the song, but it would need to rhyme or at least have a memorable chorus.

Opposable thumbs are the only difference between monkeys and about 90% of the people I encounter on my way to work. If a monkey had opposable thumbs, it would be Ben Affleck. Well that was an unfair attack... totally unprovoked. I should probably apologize. Sorry, monkeys.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

More Sketches

Here's the second batch of sketches I found around my desk yesterday. Chickens, pigs, a pirate, a terrified paper boy... pretty basic stuff. The pigs aren't even wearing capes, which is admittedly quite boring. Sorry about that.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Some Sketches

I was cleaning around my desk today and found some old sketches that weren't as bad as some of the others. Most of them seem to be abandoned concepts from Toon Club topics. I'll post more of them another day.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

How Was it Cancelled?

Okay, so no... this isn't a drawing. But I wanted to point out that the third and final season of Arrested Development went on sale today. If you want to buy it... sorry, you're too late. We went to Target to buy it tonight, and it was already sold out. So we went to Best Buy... sold out there too. What? A show that got cancelled due to lack of interest was sold out on the day of its release in multiple stores? How did that happen? A better question: Why did they cancel the best show ever? Man, I miss it. If you've never seen it, you may want to look into what character flaw of yours has caused this shortcoming.

I spent too much time tracking down my "Season 3" to draw anything tonight, but if you want to see some Arrested-based paintings, here's a link to my friend's portfolio: Blake Loosli. He did these a couple of years ago... they're great. I also love the "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" one. So enjoy his site for now, and check back here soon... more drawings and pointless commentary are on the way.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Run Through the Forest! RUN!

You may remember this raccoon from a drawing that I posted in July. His design is the best of the four of them, and that's because I didn't design him. My good bud Seth Hippen did... and I stole it! I forgot to give Seth credit then, so I decided I better mention it now and remind you all to go check out Seth's blog. He's incredible... an amazing artist, and about the nicest person I've ever met. Yeah, that's right... even nicer than YOU. Three cheers for Seth! Thanks for letting me steal your beautiful designs, Seth... and not complaining when I dumb them down to match my level of drawing ability. Hippen, Hippen - hooray!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Our New Couch

This is our new couch. It is as soft as the clouds in heaven where it was made. While I was testing our couch in the store, two women came over and sat beside me. One of them said, "See - this one's too soft?" Too soft? What are you... Goldilocks? The only job a couch has is "being soft." A football helmet can be too soft, but not a couch. Calling a couch too soft is like saying a cookie is too delicious. How dare you insult its only reason for existing? Too soft? Do you know what I say to that? "Soft couch... welcome home."

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Froggy Went A Courtin'

In the song Froggy Went A-Courtin', isn't it kind of weird that the frog marries Miss Mouse? And why does Kermit date a pig? What's with frogs dating outside of their species? Frogs aren't attractive... that may be part of it. Another reason may be that it's very difficult to tell what gender a frog is, which is why frogs gravitate toward a Miss Mouse or a Miss Piggy... no confusion there. And maybe since frogs look so similar, inter-species dating is the best way for them to ensure they're not dating their sisters.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Little Match Girl

Here's a little girl I designed a while back. I thought she turned out all right. She's for something that you'll probably never see, but if you do, you'll remember today as the day you first saw her. "Dear Diary..."

Also, I just added a link to an online store I made... it has some of my drawings on t-shirts and mugs and things. I put it there for my family, because a couple of them had said a while back that they wanted a shirt with one of my drawings on it. If anyone else wants to throw their money away, I'm gladly accepting royalties. And you other artists might want to consider making things too... in less than a week I already sold a shirt and a mug to people I don't know. I've made $2.85!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Rodent of Ridiculous Size

Themes have collided! This week's Toon Club topic was The Princess Bride, and I assume you're already aware of my recent obsession with rodents... or at least with things that can be classified as rodents because they don't resemble anything else. It was an easy call to go with the R.O.U.S. for this week's Toon Club piece, but then I got a little crazy and took the thing from "unusual size" to "ridiculous."

If I had a fast food restaurant, my drinks and fries would come in the following sizes: Petitishly Girly, Medium, Unusual, and Ridiculous. Sorry - we don't have "Large." I hate how every fast food place has its own confusing system for food sizes. When I ask for large fries at Wendy's, that means I want your largest container of fries. Oh, I was supposed to call them "Biggie." Yeah - saying that word doesn't make me feel stupid.

That reminds me of a story... in high school I worked at a college concession stand. That's where I found out that nacho cheese is made by adding water to yellow powder. Delicious. So anyway, the worst part of my job was when people ordered the Meal Deal or the Snack Pack, because those were the menu items that included fries, and the guy making the fries couldn't keep up, so if anyone ordred the Meal Deal or Snack Pack, your line would get backed up.

I came up with a solution. By simply adding a few Y's to the menu, I made it so no one wanted to order those items anymore. I proved that college students would refuse to order a "Mealy Dealy" or a "Snacky Packy," no matter how much they wanted fries. Such a thing would make them feel ridiculous... which is the size of this rodent. I'm glad I was able to wrap this story up on the original topic. Essay complete.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

One Angry Chipmunk

Several years ago I was having a picnic with my family in Yellowstone... delicious peanut butter and honey sandwiches... and probably some Pringles... or maybe Cheetos. The menu of the picnic wasn't meant to be my point here, but I'm posting this during my lunch break instead of eating, so I suppose this food-based hang-up is to be expected.

So anyway, while we were eating... sweet, wonderful Cheetos... I looked up and saw a badger about twenty feet away running toward us. Seconds later, all of us were standing on the table as the badger circled below, hunting for fallen bits of food. Just as we began to wonder how we would ever get back to our car, a couple of Asian kids from the next table over came to our rescue... waving slices of bread over their empty heads as they sprinted over to feed the hungry badger. Apparently a bunch of people standing on a table wasn't enough indication to those kids that badgers are dangerous. On the other hand, panicked screaming proved to be quite universal, and the kids quickly retreated... where they stood with their parents on their picnic table.

If you can't tell the difference between a chipmunk and a badger I've drawn... hey - welcome aboard. But if you see one in the wild and don't know the difference, try offering it a slice of bread. If it eats the bread... chipmunk. If it eats your hand... badger. If it eats Cheetos... man, I'm starving.

Friday, August 11, 2006

The Headless-Horse Man

This week’s Toon Club topic is “circus freaks.” You’re probably thinking, “This doesn’t look anything like the Headless Horseman.” That’s because it’s not. This is the “Headless-Horse Man.” It’s easy to confuse the two of them… I bet they get each other’s mail.

I like the idea of circus freaks having ID badges… like circus security’s not going to believe they’re freaks. What picture do you put on a headless man’s ID? Maybe I’ll call the DMV with that one.

My wife said this was “gross.” I’m glad being headless also means you’re earless, because words hurt. Live strong, Headless-Horse Man.

Best Purchase Ever!

I just saw this on DisneyShopping.com this morning. About 30 seconds later, I had ordered one. We already have similar statues of Pinocchio, Mr. Toad, the Crocodile from Peter Pan, the Mad Hatter, Pongo, and Big Al... which reminds me - where are we going to put this? Our house ran out of room for these things long ago. I guess we could keep it in the tub, but then where will the Mad Hatter go?

Of all the things I've ever done with money, this Song of the South statue was the best... today. Though lunch was also pretty good.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hooray for Rodents!

It's hard to draw people. If they don't look right, everyone notices and cringes in disgust, and babies begin to cry. On the other hand, audiences are quite forgiving of poorly drawn rodents with horribly distorted anatomy (see illustration above). That's why I draw a lot of rodents... my swamp creature, for example. What is that thing? There are so many rodents on the earth that we dare not be too critical. You say there's one that looks like that? Your guess is as good as mine.

These things I drew were supposed to be squirrels. Do they even look like squirrels? It doesn't matter. If I just call them "rodents," they're close enough. Thanks for taking the responsibility and research out of drawing, you rascally rodents!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Don't Call Me Dummy

Moments ago my little site got its 10,000th visitor! Ten thousand visitors?! Well, no... it's only about twelve different people, but you guys have been here a lot of times. Thanks for that! All of you who come here are the coolest! Which I believe is what is inscribed on the book the Statue of Liberty is holding.

I've also recently become a YouTuber. So far I've only uploaded one video. It's a song that my brother-in-law and I put together about how miserable it is to be a puppet. Just click here to watch it. It's about 4 minutes long, but the best stuff's at the end, so try to hang in there.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Circle of Life?

Don't you hate it when you're just sitting down to dinner and someone knocks on the door, or the phone rings, or a bigger animal eats you? It seems considerably more difficult to enjoy a meal when you're the one being eaten. This causes me to wonder... why is it called a "circle of life?" I guess that's the optimistic approach, but for half of the creatures involved, it's a circle of death. Maybe if we all start calling it that, eventually it will catch on.

Probably not, though... stupid Elton John.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Snowman or Snowmonster?

As I mowed the lawn yesterday, I wasn't too surprised when my head burst into flames. When I was done, I went inside and drew this. I've had about enough of summer.

Nothing beats a snowman for winter fun... unless you count a GIANT snowman! Several years ago I was at my sister's house when a huge snow storm hit. Using the snow from the yard, the neighbors' yards, and the street, we built the biggest snowman I've ever seen. It didn't melt away completely until late May. Every year since then we've wanted to make a bigger one, but there's never enough snow. This is a blueprint for what we hope to accomplish as soon as the right amount of snow arrives... hopefully this winter. And now I know where not to park.

Please excuse the background. It looked better last night while my head was still on fire.

Give Me FIVE

If you're here for the drawings, this will certainly be a disappointing post. Worst illustration ever... took me thirty seconds to draw and two minutes to color. Here's some trivia you can't possibly care about... just keeping it handy as a reference in case a donkey kicks me in the head:

5 Jobs I've Had:
1 - Cashier at a home hardware store
2 - Waiter at a sports grill
3 - Concession sales at a college
4 - Overnight desk clerk at a motel
5 - Dish washer at a fat farm

5 Places I've Lived:
1 - St. George, Utah
2 - Hamburg, Germany
3 - Las Vegas, Nevada
4 - St. Louis, Missouri
5 - Orem, Utah


5 Favorite Movies (Animated):
1 - Pinocchio
2 - The Incredibles
3 - Sleeping Beauty
4 - The Iron Giant
5 - The Jungle Book

5 Favorite Movies (Live Action):
1 - Mary Poppins
2 - Star Wars
3 - Life is Beautiful
4 - Raising Arizona
5 - Jurassic Park

5 Movies I've Basically Memorized:
1 - The Three Amigos
2 - Alice in Wonderland
3 - Fletch
4 - Airplane!
5 - A Christmas Story

5 Favorite Current TV Shows:
1 - The Office
2 - 24
3 - Lost
4 - Scrubs
5 - My Name is Earl

5 Favorite TV Shows of All Time:
1 - Arrested Development
2 - Seinfeld
3 - Cheers
4 - The Simpsons
5 - The Wonder Years

5 Favorite Foods:
1 - Berries
2 - Seafood
3 - Ice Cream
4 - Cinnamon rolls
5 - Sourdough bread

5 Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:
1 - Disneyland
2 - Yellowstone
3 - Disney World
4 - The Beach
5 - Home

5 Favorite Bands/Singers:
1 - John Denver
2 - Barenaked Ladies
3 - The Beatles
4 - Simon and Garfunkel
5 - Bread

5 Favorite Songs:

1 - Zip a Dee Doo Dah (Uncle Remus)

2 - Across the Universe (Rufus Wainwright)

3 - Mountain Spring (Barrage)

4 - Watching the River Run (Loggins & Messina)

5 - Happy-Go-Lucky-Me (Paul Evans)


5 Favorite Actors:

1 - Johnny Depp

2 - Owen Wilson
3 - Ewan McGregor
4 - Zach Braff
5 - Christopher Guest

5 Favorite Actresses:
1 - Charlize Theron
2 - Kate Beckinsale
3 - Julia Louis Dreyfus
4 - Parker Posey
5 - Jenna Fischer

5 Favorite Animated Characters:
1 - Brer Fox
2 - Jiminy Cricket
3 - Shere Khan
4 - Captain Hook
5 - Humphrey the Bear

5 Favorite Animals:
1 - Bears
2 - Pigs
3 - Sharks
4 - Tigers
5 - Seals

5 Favorite Restaurants:
1 - The Blue Bayou at Disneyland
2 - McGrath's Fish House
3 - Sonic
4 - The Pizza Factory
5 - The Biergarten at Epcot

5 Favorite Comedians:
1 - Brian Regan
2 - Jerry Seinfeld
3 - Gary Gulman
4 - Jim Gaffigan
5- Kevin James


5 People I Wish I Had Met:
1 - Chuck Jones
2 - Bill Peet
3 - Walt Disney
4 - John Denver
5 - Abe Lincoln


You should put one of these on your blog too... there's a lot of donkeys out there.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Shark Week!

I had to dig through my personal archives again for this old drawing. I wanted to draw something new to post on here, but who has any time for that when the Discovery Channel is having its annual Shark Week?

If you've read what I posted in April about Stupid Sharks, you already know that I have a bit of a "shark information" obsession. It's only Tuesday, and already Shark Week has taught valuable lessons like:

1 - Don't wear a watch in the ocean. Sharks think things that sparkle are fish tails, and they eat those, and will therefore eat you.

2 - When a great white attacks, it's like getting hit by a train. Someone actually said that. What unlucky sap has experienced a great white attack and a collision with a train? Luckily that person survived both events to point out the similarities to the rest of us.

3 - Sharks don't like the taste of humans. I suppose they've filled out surveys or selected Pepsi in a blind taste test or something.

Stupid sharks... I love 'em!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Swamp Thing

Sometimes after you draw something, you look at it and go, "What?" Then you color it and put it on your blog.

This reminds me - I need to learn to play the banjo... or at least figure out how to draw one.