Thursday, August 04, 2011

Chumming for Humans

In August of 2008, our bathroom scale accused me of weighing in at a hefty 255 pounds. As of this morning of 2011, I was down to 175 pounds, meaning I've lost 80 pounds in just three years. Fairly impressive, I guess, especially when you consider that I did it the old-fashioned, unpleasant way: eating sensibly and exercising.

While watching a series of Discovery Channel documentaries recently as part of the annual celebration of my favorite religious holiday, Shark Week, I realized there's a much easier way to lose a lot of weight in a fraction of the time with only minimal effort... shark attack! I could kick myself! How did I not see this before?! Think of all the exercise I could have avoided and the cookie dough I might have enjoyed if I had only considered the permanent kind of weight-loss you can only get from being the victim of a shark attack.

What does a leg weigh? Twenty? Thirty pounds? Why, you could lose that in just a few minutes of surfing in murky water while the sun sets. Under this new weight-loss program I'm developing, you could eat whatever you want to and still lose weight! In fact, the more bacon cheeseburgers and double fudge brownies you consume, the more likely you are to be mistaken for an elephant seal, and therefore, the more likely you are to be selected as a candidate for sudden, oceanic weight loss. (That's what I'm calling it, as "shark attack" turns a lot of people away before they've even given it a chance).

As long as you're still agile enough to wiggle your way down the beach and roll your giant body into the surf, I think "sudden, oceanic weight loss" may be for you! After all, it's less painful than diet and exercise.

Although it's been said many times, many ways... "Happy Shark Week to you!"


Anonymous said...

First off, congratulations on the weight loss! You've been far more successful at it than I. Secondly, thanks as always for making me smile - with your absurdly good drawings, and absurdly absurd rantings!

Aaron Ludwig said...

That apple in there isn't helping the shark's cause.
Is there a Boxing Day equivalent to Shark Week?

Jacob said...

I love these little traditions. My shark week observations would be incomplete without a sermon from Shane Lewis. Brilliant as always.

Morgan Rhys Gibbons said...

I loved your punchline- "It's less painful than diet and excercise!"

Congratulations on getting back into your old boxing weight class! And thanks for making me chuckle. Sharks continue to fascinate/horrify me.

Unknown said...

You are seriously hilarious and I LOVE the art! I laughed out loud a few times while reading this. Keep up the good weight work and the art. You are inspiring us:)

Zepol Ilustradora said...

Nuy buena ilustraciĆ³n, para hacer conciencia.

Seth Hippen said...

I was looking forward to a Shane Lewis Shark Week post! -A fine tradition that I'm glad to be a spectator in.

Congrats on the weight loss, too. We're the same height (I think), but now you weigh less than me. That's like the equivalent to a 4 minute mile.

Ken Chandler said...

Does a bucket of KFC come with each registration? Sign me up!

Congrats Shane! On the weight loss, and the amazing work. Always a pleasure! Happy Shark Week!

Tyler Stott said...

this is great...maan you are a guuud writer

"TORI CAT" said...

Ah ha ha ha!!!
This is Classic!!
Might just start looking in to that myself!! hee hee :P
Congratulations on your weight loss!!
I have alot of time and respect for any one over weight dieting the 'right' way and living a more active life style to beat the bulge!
Well done you!
As for me, i broke my jaw 3 years ago and have had 6 operations in those 2 years to try and fix me.... including very recently having a jaw replacement, so i am now supporting a titanium jaw.
Because of all this drama, its left me with an incredibly sore mouth which i can hardly open, meaning all food i eat has to go thru the liquidizer first. Living on a diet of soup, smoothies and mush will also help you battle the big belly. A bacon cheese burger just isn't the same when you have to DRINK it thru a straw :P

Thanks for sharing and all the best to you. Keep up the amazing work! Congratulations again to you :)