Winter Wonderland

While stuck in traffic recently, the radio station I was listening to treated me to three different versions of Winter Wonderland. I like that song... or at least I did before I ended up stuck in traffic with nothing to think about but those lyrics.

You can tell the song is doomed from its very first line: "Sleigh bells ring... are you listening?" I’ll tell you what... if you can’t get more than three words into your narrative before losing the interest of your audience, that may be an indication that "story-telling" isn't your thing. "Sleigh bells ring... are you listening? In the lane... am I boring you?"

The socially dysfunctional narrator goes on to propose some possible activities we could fill our day with. "In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he’s a circus clown. We’ll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman until the other kiddies knock him down." Apparently we're so confident in our miserable social standing that we're not only accepting that our snowman may be demolished by everyone we know... we're planning on it! I wonder if we'd be more popular if we stopped calling them "the other kiddies." It's worth a shot.

If the first snowman-building scheme wasn't lame enough, there's a second that somehow manages to be even less enticing. "In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He’ll say, ‘Are you married?’ We’ll say, ‘No, man... but you can do the job when you’re in town.'" Not a superhero or a gladiator, but Parson Brown? Who is this kid? Dear Parson Brown... when you meet the lad who built you so he could pretend you were a parson, don't waste your precious, miraculous first words asking about his obvious marital status. That kid is and will always be single. Not only is he not daing anyone, but he doesn't have any friends, his pets avoid him, and look out... you're about to get mangled by the other kiddies for talking to him.

Merry Christmas, y'all... and y'all a good night!

Circus Elephant

Despite what you may have heard, very few circus elephants are alcoholics. The reason they perform those crazy stunts is because they enjoy it... or possibly because they don't like being beaten and whipped, which is what happens if they don't do crazy stunts.

I drew this for my daughter's birthday invitations... she had a "circus" party. You should have seen the crazy things we had those kids doing to avoid being whipped. The life of a circus performer seems most unpleasant, but the life of a ring-master is hilariously fun.

My Obituary

Toon Club recently reached its 100th's topic: "You at 100." My drawing for the topic was inspired by a Google search that brought someone to my blog a while back... "What did Shane Lewis die from?" What? Is that information available online? I didn't dare search it myself because I didn't want to find something. I'd rather be surprised by my own demise. However, I thought I'd offer this obituary just in case future Googlers are similarly interested in predicting my death. Have you ever tried to write your own obituary? It's a fun little exercise to reduce your whole life to a single paragraph because it forces you to admit how little you've actually accomplished. I can't even play the harmonica... what a waste.

Here are some other Google searches I've enjoyed recently:

"Did they cancel the Chipmunks?" You know - I Googled this exact thing when I woke up from my twenty-year coma too, and believe me... you don't want to know. Just back away and save your tears for another day.

"I can not draw are there sketches of rabbits?" In a world this size, I imagine there must be at least a few sketches of rabbits I run slow.

"Who invented the battering ram?" I'm not sure they had patents at the time. It was probably a group of people with a log who reached a common understanding, and therefore it would be unfair to credit just one of them.

"American Gladiator medical student." Hey, look - you came up with something not even Google can find.

"What eats what?" Compiling a comprehensive list of what eats what would take far more time than I'm willing to dedicated to it... and would probably fill up the internet. One of the things I eat is blueberry muffins. There's a nice start.

"He don't have fear for sharks." Nor does he concern himself with grammar.

Yellowstone Jug Band

I've always been a huge fan of Yellowstone and North American wildlife, which is why I couldn't help but add a fourth performer to my Yellowstone jug band. The washboard-playing bison almost didn't happen. I should have added a harmonica-playing deer and an antelope with a fiddle, but that seemed like a lot of work just to be able to make a not-very-funny "deer and the antelope play" joke. See? Not very funny at all. I'm glad I thought ahead.

I'm getting the feeling that my "animal jug band" series may be causing the death of my blog. It takes a while to draw, clean up, and color multiple characters for just a single blog post, and since animal jug bands require an accompanying landscape, I can't even resort to the time-saving "Photoshop gradient" background that I've perfected. Plus I've already said all I can think of to say about jug bands, so with nothing new to rant about... well, my blog's kind of dying. In the hope of posting more frequently in the coming weeks, I'm going to put a hold on my desert, ocean, farm, mythological, monster, insect, dinosaur, and Australian jug bands for now. We'll see if that revives this thing a little.

Many gloriously appreciative thanks to those of you who bought my book. You're part of a very select group of people who I know as "the coolest."

New Book... Old Stuff

Hey, everybody... I made a book! It's available now on Blurb.com. I made it especially for those of you who enjoy my blog but wish that you could pay to read it instead of always reading it for free, which I know can get pretty old. I had to leave out the stuff about Star Wars, Batman, and other things that are copyrighted, so not only is it more expensive than my blog... it's also less complete. But on the bright side, this 74-page book is ideal for anyone who is taking off or landing in an airplane. While everyone else has to have their computers turned off, guess who's still reading my blog. Well, no one... because that's who bought this book.

If you enjoy books with lots of pictures and your reading comprehension is low, you'll love this book... or at least recognize it as one.

African Jug Band

Hey, look! It's another jug band! Unfortunately I haven't come up with anything more to say about jug bands since the last time I drew one. I probably won't have anything new to say by the next time I draw one either... which will likely be soon. It turns out I'm kind of hooked on drawing animal jug bands lately. I like to think that animals gather together and play music when people and their documentary-filming cameras aren't around. Luckily for me, no one will ever be able to prove otherwise. So with that in mind, mountain, desert, ocean, and mythological jug bands should be coming to my blog soon... unless I get hooked on something else before then. One thing I know, though... lions play a mean banjo.

Handsome Manatees

I just spent the last five minutes drawing this manatee on my new Cintiq tablet, which enables me to draw directly to the computer in sloppy, messy, digital style. This particular scribble is going to be the logo for my new fantasy basketball team: The Handsome Manatees.

A while ago, I mentioned that I had only ever used the team name "Flying Wounded Seals" in fantasy sports, but this year I'm trying something new after 11 of my 12 starters were injured by the end of last year's basketball season. Did I curse real NBA players last year with my fake team's injury-prone mascot? Would LeBron James have missed two weeks last season due to an injured pinky if he hadn't been a Flying Wounded Seal? I guess we'll never know... but I got the first pick of the draft again this year, so get ready to be handsome, overfed, and largely lifeless, LeBron... because this year you're a Handsome Manatee!

Batman and Robin

As you may already know, The Dark Knight now has more money than the United States. That's partially because the caped crusader has robbed U.S. citizens of over 525 million dollars in the last three months. I guess that's okay, though, because he seems nice. I think one of the main reasons that movie's been so successful is due to its complete lack of Robin.

Was Robin left out because Batman's strength is diminished by the mere presence of a sidekick? Was Robin snubbed because a "dark knight" can't sneak up on criminals in dark alleys when his companion's wearing a Bolivian flag? Those are possible reasons, but I believe Robin was only slighted for being more annoying than he is useless? But whatever the case may be... holy thanks for leaving Robin out of your movies, Batman.

Health vs. Happiness

If you're like me, sometimes after finishing a particularly large meal you think, "I should have stopped four burgers ago." I recently overate like that... every day... for seven years. "All You Can Eat" wasn't a buffet offer - it was my daily goal. I had decided that if I was alive enough to breathe, I was alive enough to keep eating.

Not long ago, I was understandably shocked to learn that a few elitist, medical know-it-alls consider that kind of lifestyle "unhealthy." So I gave up delicious, joy-inducing food in favor of boring salads and a longer life, and in six weeks I've lost about 30 pounds. Why did I have to make a decision between health and happiness? I guess that losing all that excess weight makes me reasonably happy... but sometimes it seems like a half-pound bacon cheeseburger would make me even happier.

Isn't there a weight-loss pie or brownie of some kind? If there is, please let me know. I could be healthy and happy in the next couple of hours at the rate I can eat those things.

Snow Monster

I hope you don't misinterpret this drawing and erroneously assume that the snow monster is about to eat that poor bear. Snow monsters don't eat bears. They throw them... hundreds of miles in some cases. This relationship is mutually beneficial to bears and snow monsters. The bears get an exhilarating trip to a distant mountain range or parts of the sea they never would have visited otherwise, and the snow monsters get to vent some frustration. We call this kind of relationship “symbiotic.” The point I'm trying to make is that you'll never get these last two minutes of your life back. Sorry about that.

Beach vs. Ocean

It baffles me that anyone would go all the way to the beach just to sit on the hot sand and bake in the sun. If that was what you wanted to do for your vacation, you should have just gone to Barstow. It's a shorter trip for most people, and Barstow has more than enough sun and sand to burn you and bore you until you're dead. When people say they like the beach, I think what they are trying to say is that they like the ocean... they were probably just confused because the beach and the ocean share the same parking lot.

That being said, here's a picture that will probably keep you from going into the ocean the next time you're at the beach. This picture shows what I see in my head every time I swim in the ocean. Fun, huh.

One time I was swimming off the coast of San Diego with some of my brothers-in-law, and we watched as a helicopter flew over us with a "News 8" logo on its side. The helicopter circled back and stopped directly above us. We commented that it must be a pretty slow news day if they were filming people swimming, and we waved at the cameras. Later that night while conveniently watching News 8, we saw footage they had taped earlier that day... a few stupid-looking guys waving to a news camera completely unaware that they were surrounded by about fifty 6-foot-long leopard sharks. The following morning we were still at the beach, but for as much as I swam that day, I might as well have been in Barstow.

Did you know Barstow is the home of the very first Del Taco? Are you kidding me? The first Del Taco AND shark-free "beaches" all in one place that is noticeably cooler than the surface of the sun for almost three months a year? Pack up your 3000 SPF sunscreen, my friends... we're going to Barstow!

Wow - that was weird. I was going to write something about Shark Week, and instead I just ended up making fun of Barstow. If you're expecting a postcard from me, they'll be on their way before too much longer. It seems I grossly underestimated how much time it takes to write on 100 postcards.

Free Postcards!

Boring Backstory: Almost two years ago I was asked by BYU's Visual Arts Department to submit a few of my drawings for a book they were assembling that would highlight the work of some of their former students. I sent them a few things I'd recently drawn for my blog, and then I completely forgot about the whole thing for a very long time.

Incresingly Boring Continuation of Story: A couple of weeks ago, I got a package in the mail from BYU that contained a copy of the book they made along with 300 postcards... 100 for each of my drawings that was included in the book. My first thought was, "Where did they get these drawings?" Before I had time to remember that I had sent them a long time ago, my next thought replaced the first: "What do they expect me to do with 300 postcards?" I considerend sending them all back to BYU, one postcard a day for the next 10 months, but I wasn't able to convince myself to spend over $80 on a gag that only I would enjoy, so I've decided to go with "Plan B."

Plan B: Today I went to the less-than-efficiently run post office and bought 100 over-priced postcard stamps, and I am going to send postcards to the first hundred people who tell me they want one. This is quite possibly the most creative, time-consuming way I've ever come up with to waste $27, and YOU can be part of it!

Instructions for Receiving Your 100-of-a-Kind Postcard: 1) Leave a comment here on my blog saying you'd like one, mostly so I can see if I can get up to 100 comments on one blog post; 2) Click here to send me an email that includes your name, your address, and which postcard you want (shark, monkeys, or polar bear). It's as simple as that! I'm stopping at 100 postcards, though, so send me an email soon if you want one. And don't worry... this won't put you on some weird, junk-email list, and I won't be sending you any Christmas cards or anything else in the future. It's a one-time postcard... just because I have a bunch of them and "Plan A" fell through. Also, I'm sorry, but I'll only be sending postcards to addresses in the United States... not because I'm patriotic, but because I'm cheap.

Closing Remarks That Aren't Worth Reading: I'm sending these 100 postcards to thank those of you who come to my blog for for your continued support... even these last few months while my blog's been mostly dead. We're almost done with the Bolt video game, and then I'll get back to posting regularly again. Hopefully a personalized postcard will hold you over until then. My apologies to those of you in other countries... you deserve a postcard too. Maybe another day.

So Much Work

There are only a few things that are keeping this picture from being a live video feed of the past few weeks of my life: I'm not this thin, I'm not a hastily sketched cartoon character, I haven't been this happy or energetic in a while, and since 1975 I've been presented in full color. Aside from those minor discrepancies, this is pretty much "me" for the last little while... and sadly it's going to continue to be me for a couple more weeks. Consider everything you've done this summer... maybe you traveled, went for a swim, mowed the lawn, read a book, or even took a short nap. Whatever you did... while you were doing it, I looked like this. It would probably be depressing if I had time to think about it.

When this project is done and "free time" is reintroduced into my life, I'm going to get back to regularly posting on my blog. Sorry it's been so boring around here lately. In case you hadn't noticed, this isn't the best post ever. I just wanted you all to know that I'm not dead yet, and I certainly haven't outgrown blogging. I will return... I just need to stare at this monitor a little while longer. Man, this is so much better than vacations or sleep! Happy Shark Week, everyone!

Big Al-Gator

A couple of months ago I set out to draw a jug band, and this was the first thing I came up with. For a minute I kind of liked it, but then I realized the design was nothing more than a rip-off of a combination of characters I grew up with at Disneyland. (Yes, I grew up at Disneyland... I'm pretty sure I spent more time there than I did at school during my elementary years, which would not only explain my career choice but also my inability to sound out words of three or more syllables). Those of you who are familiar with America Sings and The Country Bear Jamboree have probably already figured out that this guy is a mix between Big Al and one of the Swamp Boys. Those of you who are not familiar with America Sings or the Country Bear Jamboree - I hope two things... one, that you enjoy this fabulously creative gator I thunk up, and two... that you only read this last sentence.

Babies Bite

From what I've observed, our six-month-old daughter has a very limited number of hobbies, and at the core of each of those hobbies is one common element... they all hurt me. She grabs my nose, gauges my eyes, bites my fingers, kicks my shins... I'd never considered that raising a child would be so similar to getting tangled up in a bar fight. The only difference is that I would fight back if I was in a bar fight, but because it's my daughter who's unintentionally mauling me, I just smile... and gently apply pressure while I wait for the blood to clot. In the past I always objected to being abused in these ways, but recently somehow it's become kind of cute. Besides, there's more blood where that came from, and being assaulted by your kids isn't cute forever... best to enjoy it while you can.

The Puddler

More than two years ago I created a really lame not-so-superhero whose only "power" was that he had transparent legs. Lame or not, I still expected a Mr. Invisiblegs movie to hit theaters sometime this summer, but I just checked the upcoming release schedule... nothing. Doesn't every superhero have a movie this summer? Then why doesn't Mr. Invisiblegs? Does he not appear to fly when he runs or to gently hover forward as he walks? Is he not considerably difficult to defend in a game of soccer? Does he not deliver surprise crotch kicks to evil-doers and people who cut in line at the bank? As subjective as "super" is, why doesn't Mr. Invisiblegs have a movie?

Well, I think I figured it out. Until now I've overlooked one of the most important elements in a superhero story... the super villain. As much as it will certainly plague Mr. Invisiblegs' existence, I have been forced to create his surly arch-nemesis... "The Puddler." When stepping in mud causes you to lose your only super power, you're almost as pathetic as the guy who has dedicated his life to creating puddles for you to step in. This movie writes itself! Take it and run, Hollywood!

Bored Frog

This frog is all I've drawn in the last little while. You may recognize him as the hidden "Waldo" from my previous post. The fact that so many of you were able to pick him out of that crowd is proof to me that my drawings, my rants, and my offensively inaccurate killer-whale-based trivia are actually reaching an audience. Thanks for your visits and comments, everyone. I couldn't ask for a better group of blog friends. Well, I guess I could... but only you guys would read it, so there wouldn't be much point in it.

Greatest Hits

I haven't drawn anything new for my blog in a while, so I made this collage instead. I'm consiering it my "Greatest Hits." Just like bands who have disappeared for a while but want everyone to remember they still exist, I'm repackaging some old material and hoping you're willing to pretend it's "new." And just like a "greatest hits" album has one new song thrown into the mix, I've added one new drawing to this that has never appeared on my blog before. Maybe finding it will be a fun way to keep everyone busy until I get around to posting something that's actually new. It's like "Where's Waldo" if you had no idea who Waldo was or what he looked like. Fun!

Thanks for coming to my blog... hopefully something new will be on the way soon. If not, I'll just move a few pigs around on this thing and post it again. "Greatest Hits: Volume 2." Sweet.

Arctic Jug Band

As a young child I was introduced to the wonderful world of jug bandery by Disneyland's Country Bears and Emmet Otter. I've been a fan of household-object-and-appliance-made music ever since. (Before I continue, I'd like to welcome all of you who found your way here by googling the word "bandery," which, sadly, is not a word.)

I like lots of weird music. I used to just pretend to like weird music because I thought it was funny to annoy people who had to travel in the same car as me. Then somewhere along the way, my mockery of such music turned into a kind of misguided fondness. There are tons of songs on my iPod that you don't know by artists you've never heard of... like The Chad Mitchell Trio, Bread, The Sons of the Pioneers, Loggins and Messina, and, well... Emmet Otter. Where would I be if Emmet had never put that hole in the washtub? Not in the happy place I am where bears play corn jugs... which is the only place I care to be.

NBA Playoffs

I haven't had time to draw anything lately because, much to my wife's dismay, I'm way too interested in the NBA Playoffs. I plan to get back to drawing again when we get into the later rounds and there aren't two televised games each night. Until then, visitors to my blog and my wife are going to find me very boring. Sadly there's no escaping that.

Why Did I Eat That?

Have you noticed that April's almost over? Spring hasn't noticed... it's snowing right now. Because of the unseasonable, unconscionable weather, I didn't want to walk far to get lunch today, so I went to the restaurant that is closest to our office... McDonald's. Clearly convenience means more to me than survival, because when I eat a McDonald's burger, it spends the next week assaulting my insides and kicking the crap out of my colon. McDonald's and snow have joined forces to kill me, and I'm too lazy and cold to do anything about it.

I've always enjoyed how a cartoon character's stomach will take the shape of whatever it eats. I believe my own stomach shares this characteristic... and if that is the case, I must have recently eaten an oversized bowl of jiggly goo. I've recently begun a new diet... I'd like to drop about 20 pounds in the next few months. I realize that a McDonald's burger isn't exactly "diet" food, but come on! It's snowing... in April! I quickly resumed my diet right after lunch.

Freak of Nature

The platypus is a goofy-looking freak. As true as that is, I say it with some reluctance, knowing that I've offended other animals in the past with commentary that was much less insulting. Did you know there is no universally accepted plural form of the word "platypus." No plural? What kind of thing can't be addressed unless it's alone? Only a platypus, which Wikipedia describes as an "egg-laying, venomous, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal." That's right... not a duck... not a beaver. Just a venomous, egg-laying grab-bag of animal parts in one egg-laying mammal. You are a freak, platypus. And so are you, other platypus. Man, I wish you guys had a plural.

Our Pet Fish

We went to our nephew's birthday party recently, and instead of taking home a party hat or some leftover cake, we were sent home with a goldfish. I'm not sure we really needed a pet, but as long as we were getting one as a party favor, I'm glad we got the easiest, most boring, least rewarding kind of pet. My wife and I had a conversation about our new fish that night:

Lovely wife: What should we name our fish?
Me: Steven Tyler.
Lovely wife: No - that's a dumb name.
Me: Try telling that to Steven Tyler.
Lovely wife: Well, I wouldn't tell him that, because it's not a dumb name for a person.
Me: I meant you should tell that to the fish.

For the next day or two, she tried calling the fish by other names, but I held fast to "Steven Tyler," and eventually the name stuck. She tried to justify it by saying that Steven Tyler (the person) has lips that are kind of like a fish's lips, but that's over thinking it. Everything doesn't always need to make sense. I know I don't.

The Killer Whale Strikes Back

Several months ago I drew a killer whale. It seemed boring to post such a drawing without accompanying commentary, so I thought up some killer-whale-ish thoughts and put them on my blog. After that, I didn't think about killer whales for a long time. Then a couple of days ago, a killer whale, masquerading as a ten-year-old child, attacked me repeatedly with escalating hostility for the things I had written. The temperamental whale wrote:

"this is incorrect orcas dont eat and attack eneything they want they only attack when there hungary i know that and im only 10!."

Here we find further evidence to support the claim that killer whales are one of the sea's most intelligent creatures. Isn't it interesting that this orca knew he could never pass himself off as an adult human because of his inability to punctuate or spell, so he claimed to be a ten-year-old instead? Ingenious! I might have bought the ruse had he claimed to be a four-year-old, but even ten-year-olds can spell "anything."

"orcas dont attack great whites and there not the number 1 preditors of the sea great whites are i can point out so meny mistakes in this. you should go on are you smarter than a 10 year old to prove me wrong if your so smart and special to dis the name of the killer whale.YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT EVER!!!!."

"Dis" the name of the killer whale? Do killer whales really think this is how ten-year-olds speak? And what's with the obsessively repetitious insistence that these messages are coming from a ten-year-old? There's only one thing that would have been more suspicious for him to continuously repeat: "I am definitely not a killer whale."

"you are putting false images in the mind's of teenagers im 10 and know better than to believe you YOU HEAR THAT TEEN'S ,SHANES TERNING YOU INTO IDIOT."

I found the killer whale's specific concern for teens quite puzzling. It is possible that teens are the most delicious flavor of human. This would explain why the whale would object to me dissuading teens from swimming in the open sea.

"THEY DON'T ATTACK PEOPLE UNLESS THE PERSON PREVOKES THEM . YOU ARE THE MOST HORRIFIC URCHEN IN THE SEA GO SLITHER BACK TO THE ABASSLE PLAIN YOU INSULT TO HUMANATEY!!"

If killer whales really only attack people when they are provoked, it seems I gave this particular whale a pretty solid provoking (or "prevoking"). I need to be more careful when I write about animals that I assume have no internet access. Back to the abassle plain with me.

Disgruntled Bunny

This week's Toon Club topic was Easter, and I had planned to draw something really cute and fluffy and bright... something sweet enough to make everyone a little nauseous. But last week I started car pooling to work with some guys I work with... Brandon and Joe. Joe suggested on Friday that we should each draw a maniacal bunny, and that's where this guy came from.

It's nice to be car pooling... not only because gasoline now costs more than the car you put it in, but also because I'm finally saving the rainforests and polar bears like I'd always hoped to, and my weekly road rage numbers are way down, which will probably add several years to my life. I'm not just saving the rainforests and polar bears... I'm saving me. And more important than any of those things... I'm saving money. Happy Easter, everyone!

Piggy-Back Ride

It's been a while since I did a drawing video, so I put this one together to appease the more-than-twelve people who like them. I probably should have put some thought into what I should draw before my pencil hit the paper. Clearly I didn't, and I came up with this unexpected result... a cowboy bear, swinging a lasso, riding a small pig through the desert. My goal for my next drawing video is to not include any pigs or bears, but so far I've learned that pigs and bears are what I draw when I draw without thinking. I like not thinking... it's how I roll.

In a piggyback ride, is the "piggy" the carrier or the rider? Why are either of them the piggy? That style of carrying isn't pig-like at all. It should be called "gorilla-back riding" or "koala-back riding," because gorillas and koalas sometimes carry their young on their backs. That's not how pigs carry each other. In fact, pigs don't carry each other at all. They wallow lazily. "Piggy-back ride" should be the term for tripping over someone who's lying lifelessly on the ground or in a gutter.

Donkey

This is a donkey... as are most of the people I share the road with during my daily commute. I should like to address these folks at this time. My not-so-bright friends... it is okay to be passed. If you only want to go 55 on the freeway, that's fine. Just get to the right lane, and go your 55. Don't go 55 in the left lane and jump to 90 when someone tries to pass you. Doing that makes you the kind of donkey whose first name is "Jack." Choose a speed and stay with it, and if you're not passing anyone, get to the right. Remember... if you're not stuck in traffic, you're causing it.

I drew this a few weeks ago for some local people who wanted to update the logo on their website. There's more to it than you see here, but the donkey was my favorite part... so that's all you get. You'll have to go to their website to see the whole thing.

More Storyboards

A couple of months ago I posted some storyboards from something I was working on. Recently I've been trying to wrap that up, and I haven't drawn much of anything else... so in the interest of keeping my blog alive, here are some more out-of-sequence storyboards that don't make sense. I hope to get back to my normal, ranting ways very soon.

Robot Dog

These birds are over-estimating what it takes to scare a cat. Why waste your time and resources acquiring a robotic dog when a flashlight or an old boot would be just as effective? If you want to cause a cat to flee in terror, the only thing you really need is a cat. This drawing is where the phrases "scaredy-cat" and "bird-brained" collide.

Valentine's Day Again

Another Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and I still haven't gotten around to buying my wife a gift for last year's Valentine's Day. In fact, if you remember, all she got last year was a weird drawing of a bunny and a fox hugging next to some smiley hearts. I guess that's kind of like a Valentine's gift... and in that same way, I guess you could say I'm done Valentine's shopping for this year too. It looks like the thoughtfulness and care that should go into selecting a gift for my wife will once again be replaced by a weird drawing with hearts in it. I drew this the day after watching Disney's old, non-Oscar-winning film, The Ugly Dachshund. I guess I just had weenie dogs on my mind. And why not? After all, they are delicious.

The word "dachshund" is German for "badger dog." I wonder if that's why this "Weenie of Love" is so similar to the "Badgers of Love" I drew recently. Apparently I've convinced myself that any animal with "badger" in its title is to be armed with heart-shaped arrows.

Happy Valentine's Day to my wonderful wife... sorry I only got you one of my drawings again. I'm a weenie like that. Hey, look - a tie-in! Now the drawing kind of makes sense.

Groundhog Day

You can tell my blog has been around a long time when I start repeating topics. Two years ago I exhausted all of my Groundhog-Day-themed material, so for this year's groundhog drawing, I'm just going to have to write about the groundhog itself. Here are a few things I just learned about groundhogs:

"The groundhog, also known as the woodchuck, land beaver, or whistlepig, is a rodent of the family Sciuridae, belonging to the group of large ground squirrels known as marmots."

Okay, I'm familiar with the term "woodchuck," mainly because of all the times I've been invited to consider the amount of wood a woodchuck could chuck, considering it could in fact chuck wood. But since when are groundhogs also known as whistepigs? Who knows them as that, and what asylum do they call home? As for land beaver... don't we already have a land beaver? That's like calling an elephant a "land cow." We already have a land cow... it's called a cow. The paragraph goes on to say:

"Most marmots, such as yellow-bellied and hoary marmots, live in rocky and mountainous areas, but the woodchuck is a lowland creature."

"Yellow-bellied" and "hoary?" Who's naming the different kinds of marmots, and what resentment are they harboring? Isn't "yellow-bellied" the Old West term for someone who's cowardly or spineless? I think that's what the Sheriff of Nottingham called Marty McFly. My vote is for "lily-livered" marmot... it just sounds a little more insulting. And then there's the "whorey" marmot... I know that's not how it's spelled, but marmots can't read, so it all sounds the same to them. Yellow-bellied or whorey... the poor marmots can't win.

From now on, instead of calling it "Groundhog Day," I will know February 2nd as "Lily-Livered Whistlepig Day." Just when you thought this holiday couldn't make any less sense...

Those Lazy Koalas

Koalas sleep between 18 and 20 hours a day. If that statistic surprises you (and if you're not very good with math and don't have a calculator handy) you'll also be surprised to learn that koalas are only awake between 4 and 6 hours a day. A koala would have to live 108 years to spend as much time awake as I've experienced in my 32 years. If he wanted to catch up on the first three seasons of Lost before season four premiers on Thursday night, politically incorrectly assuming the koala was in fact a "he," a koala would have had to spend every waking minute in front of a TV for the last two weeks... three weeks if he was interested in bonus features. Of course, he would have needed to start in late October if he found himself needing to rewind every time something bizzarely confusing happened. But perhaps the most staggering statistic of all in relation to the laziness and over-sleeping habits of koalas... it would take a koala nearly a week to do the math that went into the writing of this paragraph, considering the koala's math skills are on par with my own... it took me less than two days.

This is the 200th post on my blog. How about that? Many thanks to those of you who come here all the time... the responsibility I feel to keep you just a little bit entertained is one of the things that keeps me drawing, so thanks for the pressure you provide. I never would have made it to 200 without you looming over me like that.

Home on the Range

Oh, give you a home where the buffalo roam? That's a strange request. I suppose if given the choice, I'd take roaming buffalo as roommates over temperamental grizzlies or bitey bald eagles, but for now I'll just stick with my wildlife-free living arrangements, I think.

Little Davy Crockett

"Born on a mountain top in Tennessee... greenest state in the land of the free. Raised in the woods so he knew every tree. Killed him a bear when he was only three. Davy... Davy Crockett - king of the wild frontier."

How does a three-year-old kill a bear? Was the bear elderly? Did it not have legs? Did Davy accidentally run it over with a tractor? Because this could not have been a full-strength, full-sized, full-brained bear. I couldn't tie my shoes when I was three... in fact, I considered it a victory when I got them on the right feet. And I'm supposed to believe that Davy Crockett killed a fully functional bear at that age? I guess that's why there's a song and a TV show about him and not even so much as a jingle about me and my wrong-footed shoes.

Davy Crockett probably would have gone down in history as the man in the bear-skin cap if wearing a bear's carcass on your head was at all comfortable or possible. But since animals of that size are impractical as headwear, he simply killed and wore the first hat-sized critter to pass unluckily by. Let's forget about the bear for a second... how does a three-year-old even kill a raccoon? Not just physically, but morally. I feel bad when I accidentally step on a grasshopper. Little Davy was beyond feeling.

Some Storyboards

Here are some storyboards I did a few weeks ago for a project I'd like to see made into a film someday... inspired by character designs that my good bud Seth Hippen did when we were in college. These boards aren't in order, and about ninety percent of the sequence is missing, so don't feel too bad if the story doesn't make any sense to you. That certainly doesn't mean you're dumb... though you still might be.

Thanks so much for visiting my blog, and even more thanks to those of you who leave comments. Happy New Year, everyone!