Friday, March 28, 2008

The Killer Whale Strikes Back

Several months ago I drew a killer whale. It seemed boring to post such a drawing without accompanying commentary, so I thought up some killer-whale-ish thoughts and put them on my blog. After that, I didn't think about killer whales for a long time. Then a couple of days ago, a killer whale, masquerading as a ten-year-old child, attacked me repeatedly with escalating hostility for the things I had written. The temperamental whale wrote:

"this is incorrect orcas dont eat and attack eneything they want they only attack when there hungary i know that and im only 10!."

Here we find further evidence to support the claim that killer whales are one of the sea's most intelligent creatures. Isn't it interesting that this orca knew he could never pass himself off as an adult human because of his inability to punctuate or spell, so he claimed to be a ten-year-old instead? Ingenious! I might have bought the ruse had he claimed to be a four-year-old, but even ten-year-olds can spell "anything."

"orcas dont attack great whites and there not the number 1 preditors of the sea great whites are i can point out so meny mistakes in this. you should go on are you smarter than a 10 year old to prove me wrong if your so smart and special to dis the name of the killer whale.YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT EVER!!!!."

"Dis" the name of the killer whale? Do killer whales really think this is how ten-year-olds speak? And what's with the obsessively repetitious insistence that these messages are coming from a ten-year-old? There's only one thing that would have been more suspicious for him to continuously repeat: "I am definitely not a killer whale."

"you are putting false images in the mind's of teenagers im 10 and know better than to believe you YOU HEAR THAT TEEN'S ,SHANES TERNING YOU INTO IDIOT."

I found the killer whale's specific concern for teens quite puzzling. It is possible that teens are the most delicious flavor of human. This would explain why the whale would object to me dissuading teens from swimming in the open sea.

"THEY DON'T ATTACK PEOPLE UNLESS THE PERSON PREVOKES THEM . YOU ARE THE MOST HORRIFIC URCHEN IN THE SEA GO SLITHER BACK TO THE ABASSLE PLAIN YOU INSULT TO HUMANATEY!!"

If killer whales really only attack people when they are provoked, it seems I gave this particular whale a pretty solid provoking (or "prevoking"). I need to be more careful when I write about animals that I assume have no internet access. Back to the abassle plain with me.

32 comments:

Lindy said...

This is even better than when you were telling me what he said. It's extra cool to see the exact spelling mistakes the whale made.

Note to "10-year-olds" who read Shane's blog. He's an ARTIST, and a COMEDIAN...he's not writing the Definitive Works about Ocean Life. His articles are meant to AMUSE people. Clearly you need to stop obsessing about sea mammals and get a sense of humor...and a dictionary.

L. D. Torres said...

HAAAHAHAHA!!! wow, you must have posed some major threat to the ecosystem to throw that whale into such a livid frenzy,... that'll teach you for terning teens into idiot!

well, the good news is we know the general vicinity of the suspect... "they only attack when there hungary"

Hungary, huh? well i'll get a lead on the local abassle plains there and we'll see if we can't track down this thret 2 humanatey.

'til then, congratulations on your recently amassed teen fan club! Way to stay hip w/the young'ns!

Adrian Ropp said...

Deer Shane,

Ure a morahn. Evin six yeer olds, like me, no that orkaz don'tt hav compyuters becuz in the whater yoo wood git elektrakyuted. If I were yoo, I wood stop making lies abowt killer wales becuz they are lies. Any six year old kan see that. I think yoo shood stopp posting.

I felt prevoked by ure first post, but now I am postvoked. Pleez refund my money.

No... I am not a five year old whale. Im older than that.

L. D. Torres said...

btw, when is "are you smarter than a 10 year old" on? I wanna tivo it.

Markham Carroll said...

Well, duh, everyone knows killer whales only attack when they are Hungarian!

Jon Engle said...

I don't know what I love more. The indignant ramblings of a lingual-challenged 10 year old or the adults calling him an idiot. This is officially the most entertaining thing I've seen this year.

Watch out, Shane. The disgruntled bunny is next.

Jacob said...

And here I wondered where you got your stuff from. I didn't realize that the world just spoon feeds you material. Disgruntled bunnies and killer whales masquerading as ten-year-olds. Maybe I should check out this abassal plain myself.

mslamoureux said...

I am glad that you liked my blog. I came across your blog on Valentines Day. I just googled valentines images and it gave me your blog as a link. I loved all your pictures. You are an amazing artist. So I told my brother about your blog and we both added you to our links so other people could enjoy your drawings as well. A lot of them bring me back to my childhood b/c they look so similar to some cartoons I watched. I really liked your picture and blog about BYU Football Games and I fully agree with you! They should use the same "inch policy" on airplanes! Anyways, I hope you don't mind me adding you as a link. I really enjoy your drawings!

Thank you,
Stephanie Lamoureux

BYU Lewis said...

Hilarious!I had a hard time reading it through the tears.

Heather Keele said...

Hilarious! I love how the "10-year-old" spelled so many things wrong. It's like in commercials where they show something a kid has written (like a lemonade-stand sign) and half of the letters are written backwards, as if kids are really that stupid.

Also, I appreciate the important lesson I learned from this post: you never know who - or what - is reading and fact-checking things on blogs. I will definitely be more careful...

Kevin Keele said...

I'd think twice before going swimming at the beach any time soon Shane. That whale wrote far too many things using caps lock to just be fooling around. I don't know if I'd even visit any aquariums...just kidding, Killer whales are dumb. Great picture by the way. I like the little fish looking over his shoulder ("yeah, you tell him!").

B Beach said...

Wow, so much controversy over some orca art. I'm enjoying these underwater electronics. I suppose if Spongebob has to give Gary a bath underwater, an orca can use a computer underwater. I'll be honest, I only speed read your post and could be missing the point, but I'm only 10 so give me a break. I love your illustration here, and all your illustrations you've ever done, goodbye.

Jake said...

This, of course, leaves us with the unsettling question of just how far marine mammal influence in the media extends? Obviously they've infiltrated the interweb and we can assume that since Free Willy they've had a nefarious fin working the cogs of the hollywood machine... Heavens above, they're EVERYWHERE.

Heather D. White said...

So funny. I get little 'hate mails' like this about once a week. At least yours claimed to be a ten year old. Most of mine are grown women who ACT like 10 year olds. LOL! But seriously...you gotta admit....the "MOST HORRIFIC URCHEN IN THE SEA" comment is CLASSIC! LOL! ;-)

Bobbi-Jo said...

LOL! Oh my gosh! LOL! Funniest thing I've seen yet.

Seth Hippen said...

Wow. I never knew killer whales had such tempers. If such passion could be channelled into something meaningful... like fighting for equal treatment of banana spiders, that would be something.

Signed,

The Banana Spider

Anonymous said...

Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh my gosh, make it stop, I needed this laugh, man. Now you're provoking 10 year olds! Ha! Ha! Ha! Man, if I had a dime for every time I've been told to slither back to the abassle plain. Ha! Ha! Ha! Funny stuff Shane as usual...

Tom Pique
Raleigh, NC

Nathan Lindsay said...

man, I've been trying to offend animals through my art for years and so far -nothing. I can't even get any spiteful glances.

This piece turned out awesome.

The Jorgensen's said...

That's one passionate 10-year old! Sorry about last night. I took Megan to the doctor this morning and she has an ear infection. We were up every hour with her last night. It was awesome.

Robin Goodfellow said...

i think that orca musta watched Napoleon Dynamite recently... "YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT EVER!!!!"

shoulda drawn 'im with a VOTE FOR PEDRO shirt on.

aintshakespeare said...

Man, I skip this blog for like two days and suddenly it's crawling with horrible adolescent killer whale poachers.

Leave the poor whales alone. Don't you guys know that all whales are mildly retarded. And belligerent. With Tourettes. And way too much time alone on the Internet.

And killer whales are vegetarians. For real though.

Joe said...

Great, now the orca will be stopping by the office to set you straight. If this happens I'll try to not prevoke him two much.

Jarrett said...

Man, you've just inspired me to do a piece with a whale. This is awesome, Shane!

Penelope Crackers said...

This is one of my most favorite posts. I love that the killer whale (I mean "10 year old kid") who left you all those comments got so upset. It reminds me of my diary that I kept in 3rd grade, full of creative spelling and grammar and such strong feelings of pent up anger. Wonderful! I think I'll get out that old journal and get a laugh.

Lowdogg said...

Very entertaining!

Anonymous said...

I spelled infinitely better than that when I was 10...so did the entire fifth grade in my school. Even the flunkies! So much for the next generation being smarter than the previous.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh, thanks Shane

Eric

Artist Anika said...

This is great. I always knew whales were stupid, and now we have proof!

Katie said...

Haha, wow, i googled "manatees and sailors" and found my way here. After reading for a good solid 45 minutes, and finally this post, i have decided to become an avid reader.

I mean, seriously. I cracked up for the longest time. Ha, thanks for brightening up my day

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to locate Tom Pique - a very talented graphic designer and hurmorist. He and I worked together at an engineering firm and I need his talents for a project. ---Amelia 621.2668

Anonymous said...

The "youngster" is just upset that the real shamu has been dead since 1971.

Rory said...

insult to humanatey? There are humanatey's now? Guess they look a bit like mermaids.

Are you a humanatey? Would explain why you love manatees so much and only draw pictures of yourself showing your upper body. hmmm...well if you are one, I'm glad to have commented on a humanateys blog.