Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Murdering Snakes

Returning from the mailbox a couple days ago I was pants-wettingly startled to see a 3-foot snake curled up in our flower bed. I hate snakes... especially snakes that scare me so bad that my excitement about finally getting my Johnny Cash CD's in the mail is ruined. I grabbed a shovel with my jittery hands, and - well... the snake put up a good fight, but in the end the shovel was just too darn snake-splattery for him to have a chance.

Killing that snake reminded me of one time when I was mowing the lawn and accidentally ran over a snake on purpose. I remembered it like it was yesterday... because it was last Thursday. How many times do you have to run over a snake with a mulching lawn mower before its matter ceases to exist? The answer is three.

I never killed a snake in my life, and then I killed two in the space of five days. I felt bad both times, but I know if I see another one, I'll do it again. I guess I could find a way to lure the next one into a bucket and then drive it out to the canyon and release it peacefully in its new home. Yeah, that's gonna happen. And next time I see a shark at the beach I'll take it by the fin and guide it to a distant shore.

I hate snakes! And if they've been talking to each other, I'm guessing they're not too fond of me either.

9 comments:

Patrick said...

Great illo, and great story- Had me laughing for a few minutes. I don't mind snakes at all, but your story about killing one with a shovel reminded me of my grandma- she hates snakes above all things and she killed one with a rake a few years ago, then took a picture of it. All I can say is, I think I would rather be burned alive than to die the way that snake did...Cool stuff- keep it up!

Adrian Ropp said...

Hey! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi! Don't come crying to us all when your lawn is overrun by mice because there's no snakes!

It's called ecology. Learn it.

P.S. Love the drawing! Kudos!

Makenzie said...

One time I was good at the store and mom let me pick a treat so I got a rubber snake. I like to put it all over and scare people. Sometime I put it by our door in the pot of flowers for the mail lady to get scared. When I put it in the backyard my friends get scared. Its really fun and tricky. We have a big Halloween spider I play tricks with too. My mom screams even me sometimes.

Joe Fowler said...

You won't mind it after a while. Killing changes you: First you feel ashamed, then apathetic, then lust for it... murderer.

Blogerts said...

If you were a super hero you'd be Snake Man... no because you hate snakes, so maybe Anti-Snake Man... but then you really don't seek out snakes so maybe Snakes-That-Come-Into-My-Yard Man... That's a little long. I'll get back to you on this. Anyway, I think it would make a sweet movie. I know I wish I had that on video.

Audrey Gayle said...

So...maybe it was a harmless gardener snake. They let you pet them and if they do bite, it's not poisonous. They like green and maybe your grass is too attractive. Maybe you should put up one of those gnome statues or something. Please stop killing my friends.

Ken Chandler said...

You have the best adventures. Murdering snakes, rednecks and the contents on the floor of their cabs, empty office spaces, there's no end to the tales you tell. Write like the wind my friend. Write like the wind.

Jedulous said...

Awesome story. i laughed while i was trying to eat a sandwich, and I almost choked. Just keep your kiling of things to the snakes. no more of this so-funny-it'll-make-you-choke-on-your-BLT stuff. I mean it.

Anonymous said...

Don't kill them. That's awful. Just call the animal control ppl and they'll take em away.