Too Much Yard Work

I've been doing too much yard work this week to draw anything new, so here's something I drew a few weeks ago that I wasn't even going to post. It's true... this poor little guy would have remained in the skecth stack forever if our bushes hadn't grown tall enough in the last month to completely eclipse our house. Some worse-than-usual traffic has also wasted a bunch of my time, but I'll save my road rage rant for another day... or a series of days. That's one of my longer rants. It's actually more of a seminar.

The Last Unicorn

If all unicorns were this inconsiderate and careless, it's no surprise that they didn't last. Realistically, I can't imagine that a "one-anything band" has survival in its future. When was the last time you saw a one-man band? Aside from Bert in Mary Poppins, I've never seen one. I assume they were killed off before I was born by tigers, multi-man bands, and natural selection. The traditional one-man band is most likely extinct because it only performed one song... and that song had no title, no melody, and was as soothing on the ears as a train wreck. A solo bander doesn't make music... it makes noise.

My feelings about "noise" make me realize how old I'm getting. When I was a kid, adults were always telling me to quiet down. I couldn't figure out why old people were so objected to sound, but somewhere in the last thirty years... I got old. Last week someone cruised by our house on a motorcycle, and I thought, "What, are you trying to wake up the whole neighborhood?" I was also upset that the motorcyclist was visiting our street from a world without speed limits. What? I'm way too young to be this old. Fortunately I didn't confront him or I'd have probably ended up offering him sixpence to get a haircut. Crazy hooligan!

Wait, was this about unicorns? They were hooligans too.

Dog Sketches

I was just organizing the stack of sketches that consistently manages to overtake my desk, and I found some dogs that weren't too bad. I drew these after watching a dog-drawing seminar with my good bud and co-story-guy, Bryan Lefler. Now that I know all I could ever want to know about canine skeletal structure, I'm even more ashamed than I was before at how little I incorporate actual anatomy into my drawings. But, hey - it's all about the gesture... and some poses don't work when you have bones.

Truck Driver

Okay, no - not all truck drivers look like this... because some of them are women. That wasn't very nice, and I only say it because I'm tired of sitting behind truck drivers who pass each other going uphill on the freeway at half the speed limit. Just so you truckers know, though 32 miles an hour is wrecklessly fast in a school zone, it's probably not fast enough to require you to block the freeway's passing lane for ten minutes while you gently sneak by the guy who's going 30.

Driving a truck would be one of the worst jobs I can imagine. I experience plenty of road rage just driving to work... if driving was work, the rage would never subside. That giant mug is based on my own 64-ouncer that I used to fill with Cherry Coke at least once a day. I switched to water when I realized I was beginning to look like this gentleman.

Flying Wounded Seals

It's Fantasy Football time again, and that means the return of the Flying Wounded Seals. Every fantasy team I've ever had in any sport has had that same name. I joined my first fantasy football league one night in August of 2001 right after watching the Discovery Channel's world premier of "Air Jaws." When I was asked to provide a team name, the images from that nightmare-inducing show were still fresh in my mind. I guess I could have gone with "Super Sharks" or something more intimidating, but I had been cheering for the seals who flew through the air with gashes in their sides that night... not for the sharks whose momentum and teeth had caused the seals to be flying and wounded in the first place. And because I'm too lazy to come up with a new team name, I've been the Flying Wounded Seals ever since.

Week One was a pretty good week for my three Flying Wounded Seals teams... two wins and one loss. I decided to finally draw a logo for my six-year-old fantasy team last night while I was watching Monday Night Football. You're probably wondering why the wounded seal is so happy. Just because you're injured doesn't mean you have to be sad. We could all learn a lot from flying, wounded seals... like how to lose a game even when your defense scores 52 points.

A Horse With No Name

On Monday night we went to see America (the band, not the country). I've always liked them, which I guess means I'm a fan of nonsensical lyrics that are loaded with "la la la's" and set to guitar music. You may remember my confusion about Ventura Highway's "alligator lizards in the air." Well, here's part of another one of their songs that I really like but don't quite get:

"I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.
It felt good to be out of the rain.
In the desert you can remember your name,
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain."

Is that a triple negative in the last line?! Glorious! I'm also impressed that they managed to rhyme a seemingly unrhymable word like "name" with the equally complex word "name." Genius! But the most incredible thing about this song is the attitude of the guy who sings it. Finding himself lost in the desert on a horse he can't even converse with because he hasn't the means to address it, instead of focusing on his inevitable thirst-related death, what he thinks is, "How nice that it's not raining." Good for him.

One time I sprained my ankle and forgot my name for a couple weeks... pain will do that. If only we could all live in the carefree desert.

A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

I have some problems with the phrase "a wolf in sheep's clothing" - some serious, mental problems. That ridiculous saying is draped in flaw. I've seen a lot of sheep in my life, all over the world, and not a single one was ever wearing clothes... not even so much as a hat. Unless there's a cult out there somewhere that dresses farm animals in people clothes, I can safely assert that all sheep are naked all of the time.

A sheep whose wool has been sheered appears to be more naked than a wool-covered sheep, but neither of them is "clothed." If you shaved all of your dog's hair and covered yourself with it, you wouldn't say you were wearing your dog's clothes... you would say, "I'm a disgusting individual with no foreseeable hope of marrying." You wouldn't have to say that, though. People are intuitive about things like that... they would know.

So what have I drawn here? A sheep in wolf's clothing? Come on - let's call it what it is... a "sheep under wolf's carcass." It doesn't sound as charming, but accuracy trumps eloquence. Hey, look! I just found a worse saying!

The Bodyless Badger

A year ago I posted something on my blog about badgers. That drawing looked kind of rushed, so I drew this new, meaner-looking badger using the same basic design, only this time the badger had no body. I tried to mask the lack of body by throwing one together in Photoshop. This took about four seconds and looked awful. So instead of re-doing it or taking the time to draw one, I just darkened it all into obscurity. Sometimes the most creative thing about art is finding ways to not do art.

Killer Whales

Orcas attack and eat anything they want to in the ocean... and sometimes they venture up onto beaches to kill stuff there too. They've even been known to attack great white sharks. Considering the threat they are to everything in or near the sea, it's no wonder that orcas are more commonly known as "killer whales." Then why am I more terrified of sharks than I am of killer whales if killer whales are the ocean's number one predator? I can think of a few reasons.

Because of their natural color markings that look like smile lines, killer whales always seem happy. Sharks are ugly and look mad. So even though both animals have dagger-like teeth that could easily rip my flesh from my bones, I find myself less afraid of the one who would look happy doing it.

Sea World has also influenced my feelings. At the Shark Encounter, ominous music plays in darkened caverns while sharks eerily encircle the exhibit's guests who find themselves trapped in tunnels well below the surface. At Shamu Stadium, cheerleaders in wet suits dance around to Brittany Spears classics while killer whales leap from the water, playfully launching other cheerleaders into the air. It's hard to misread the message Sea World is sending.

And the last reason that sharks are scarier than killer whales... it's impossible to trust a fish.

John Denver

Hey, everyone... I like John Denver! Yeah, that's right... and I'm not ashamed of it. Out of the 6,721 songs on my iPod, John Denver sings 239 of them. I even broke up with a girl once because she said she hated John Denver. That wasn't the only reason I broke up with her... I just knew that someone that unstable would probably eventually claim that babies are ugly and ice cream is gross.

Even if you don't like him or his music, you can't argue that John Denver's the coolest person who was ever born with the last name "Deutschendorf." Sunshine on his shoulders made him happy. Guest appearances and Christmas specials with the Muppets made him a star.

The Wild West

I drew these guys while trying to put together my "wanted" poster, but they didn't seem like criminals, so they became abandoned concepts instead. They were about to become part of my giant stack of discarded sketches when I noticed that the two drawings kind of fit together side-by-side. So this scene doesn't make sense because it was never meant to be a scene. All the same, here's some "forced sense" for it:

While the older gentleman on the left is trying to figure out why he has fewer fingers on his left hand than everyone else in town, the guy on the right stares in hat-floating amazement at the remains of a man who was born with his head upside down. Anatomy... not a popular subject in the Wild West... or for me.

Lyle Gunnerson

I drew this for the most recent topic on the Avalanche blog: "Wanted in the Wild West."

I never realized how much fun it is to draw cowboys... all the more reason to bring a sketchbook to the state fair next month. That place is a sketchbook goldmine with its pig races, bears on unicycles, countless wandering fair-going weirdos, and the opportunity to see the world's tallest horse for just fifty cents. Yeah, I know if I'm there, that makes me a "fair-going weirdo" too. But at least my belt buckle's smaller than my head.

Pinocchio & Jiminy

I've mentioned on my blog before that Pinocchio is my favorite movie ever. Then I said the exact same thing about Mary Poppins. Clearly I don't know what I'm talking about or what I think. For the purpose of sounding like I know my own opinion, I'm going to say that Pinocchio is my favorite animated movie ever. For Toon Club's Pinocchio topic, I finally had a reason to try my hand at drawing Pinocchio again. My first attempt was... well, reviews have been mixed. This was a lot of fun to draw... especially the "Jiminy Cricket" part.

Jiminy Cricket is the coolest. He taught me that, if I don't ride my bike into oncoming traffic, I might live to be 23. I'm getting close to 33 now, so I must have subconsciously heard the second verse too. Actually I just don't ride a bike at all... which is the best way to avoid bicycle-riding death. I'm no fool.

I hung Jiminy Cricket on the rear-view mirror in my car... but not in the "Old West execution" style like it sounds. It's actually a Christmas tree ornament, and Jiminy's hanging from his umbrella... not his neck. I put him there because I thought having a conscience nearby might curb my road-rage. Hasn't really worked, though. If you're not passing anyone, get to the right! Even "plastic Jiminy ornament" knows that.

Death By Vacation

Vacation days are too few. If I had 120 vacation days a year, I would probably allow myself to spend a few of them relaxing at home. I could certainly use that kind of break. But because vacation days are so limited, I refuse to waste them on boring activities like "resting" or "breathing." In fact, I can't think of the last time I had a day off that wasn't considerably more exhausting than going to work would have been.

I've heard people say at the end of a tiring day that it was "no day at the beach." For me a day at the beach is worse. A typical one consists of about nine hours of fighting the ocean tide, a three-mile walk through the sand while the sun sets, and about eight hours of card games. A day at the beach nearly kills me because a night at the beach is only a few minutes long.

This drawing shows how I feel when I get home from a typical vacation. Now that I think about it, if I had 120 vacation days a year, I'd already be dead. It would just be more time I'd refuse to waste.

I love vacations... they're a fun way to die.

The Battle of Endor

When I was a kid, I had over a hundred Star Wars action figures. By the time my mom sold them all at a garage sale without telling me so she could estrange me for the most depressing years of my childhood, most of them were pretty battle-scarred. Because of their tattered appearance and their status as "not yet collectible," the whole set, including the Millennium Falcon and five or six other play sets, sold for much less than they should have. If you're the one who bought all my Star Wars toys, I'll buy them back from you for more than ten times the amount you spent on them in 1985. I am writing you a check right now for $3.62. Why would my mom sell my Star Wars toys? I've asked her... there's no answer.

I drew this for the Avalanche blog... the topic was Stupid Star Wars Characters. I've always loved the old Star Wars movies, but even as a kid I remember being a little disappointed that the final battle between the Empire and the Rebels came down to a forest shoot-out between aim-disabled Stormtroopers and teddy bears with sticks. If you were picking teams for a galactic battle, I'm pretty sure the battle would be "locked" long before any Ewoks or Stormtroopers were drafted.

Bear vs Tiger

I must have drawn these guys ten times... and I couldn't get them to fight once. In fact, one of the times they were dancing. So the question of "grizzly bear vs. Bengal tiger" remains a mystery... because bears and tigers are too reasonable and understanding to fight. Stupid, uncooperative sketches.

One other thing - next week is "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel. Don't miss it or you'll risk having nightmares about other stuff.

Elephant vs Monkey

I've often wondered what the outcome would be if a grizzly bear and a Bengal tiger got into a fight. Barring a zoo outbreak or a second worldwide flood, this fight will most likely never take place. I guess that's good for tigers and bears, but how will I ever know who would win? Any theories? I pick the bear, but that's just because he cheats.

This is what would happen if a monkey and an elephant got into a fight, because elephants are too friendly and jolly to beat up monkeys, so they'd just yo-yo them and stuff... which I guess isn't all that friendly. This theory needs work.

Summer is Lame

There was a period in my life when summer was my favorite time of year. I would swim all day or take five-hour naps or play basketball or tennis until it was too dark to see. Late at night I'd watch The Arsenio Hall Show long after I would have already been asleep the rest of the year, then I'd sleep in the next morning until The Price is Right was on. TV programming was the only reason I ever knew what time it was. I had no responsibility... nothing to accomplish or work on. Summer vacation was a three-month break from everything. By the depressing first day of school each fall, I had completely forgotten how to read and write from a summer of allowing my brain to atrophy inside my sun-baked head. Summer was wonderful... then I got older.

Now summer is the same as every other time of year except there's a lot more yard work, there's no football or basketball on TV, and I burst into flames every time I get in my car. Any season that includes weekly lawn-mowing is an enemy to me. I'm ready for fall... with its 70-degree days, football season, and the return of entertaining TV. Summer's so lame.

Garn Reunion

I drew this several months ago for some reunion t-shirts. The Garns have giant heads, so the weather-balloon-headed octopus was an easy choice. Because what fun is a family reunion if you're not wearing matching t-shirts that draw further attention to your family's genetically shared abnormalities?

Genetically I am a grab bag of all that is undesirable from both sides of my family tree. I got the enormous head from the Garns, and from the Lewis side I got the excessive amounts of "sweaty" and "hairy," as well as the crooked nose. When I wear glasses I look a little bit insane or like I was just in a fight because glasses won't sit horizontally across my face... on my giant head. Hooray for genetics.

Jaws Movies

One time when I was a kid, my mom left me in the care of my dad for the night. Somehow he made the grossly erroneous decision that I was old enough to watch Jaws. I'm not even sure I'm old enough to handle it now, so his math was off by at least thirty years. Good call, Dad. Before that night I didn't even know "scary" was an option for movies. I thought movies were about magical lands and singing animals. Five minutes into that thing I knew I never wanted to swim, bathe, or even run through the sprinklers again.

Luckily the Jaws sequels made sharks less scary by continuously increasing in absurdity. In Jaws II, the shark took down a helicopter. A little hard to swallow... both for me and for the shark. Jaws III featured a shark that was roughly the size of Florida. Hurry to Sea World, everyone... they finally got a Megalodon. In Jaws IV: The Revenge, a descendant of the original "Jaws" shark followed the Brody widow all the way to the Bahamas. This lady's husband died of a heart attack caused by his own intense fear of sharks, one of her sons was eaten by a shark, and her other son was studying in the Bahamas to become a marine biologist. Hey, Brodys... move inland! Coastal cities and islands aren't for people who've managed to offend multiple generations of great whites.

One time my sister's high school class watched Jaws on a big screen while sitting on rafts and tubes in the darkened city pool. What a great idea! Maybe the mutant who planned that activity can arrange for next year's seniors to watch Shawshank in Shawshank. Come for the popcorn... stay for the violent prison beatings. I don't even like watching Jaws on my couch... no way I'm watching it in (or near) a pool. Sharks are cool... if you like nightmares. And thanks to that night my dad was my babysitter, I've had a lot of them.

The Never Beginning Story

If you've seen The Neverending Story in the last 20 years, you've seen it more recently than me. I don't remember a lot about that movie... just that the main villain was "nothing," the horse sunk into tar because its self-esteem was low, and of course, Falkor - the flying snake-dog with udders or tentacles or something. I guess when a snake and a flying dog breed, the result is a "dragon." What a messed up movie. What?! It was written by a German? No.

Classic Peter Pan

I stumbled upon this gem while looking through some old boxes. It was probably drawn around the same time as the Pinocchio sketch I posted a while back. There are several things about this one that I consider worthy of my own praise. For instance, the crocodile's wandering eye... that's a nice touch. Also, the crocodile's other wandering eye... equally stellar. The leaf on Captain Hook's hat is an interesting twist. Then there's Mr. Smee, striking an impressively flamboyant pose there in the background. But I think my favorite thing about the whole glorious image is Peter Pan's double-jointed knee... or his dislocated hip... or his badly twisted ankle. Whatever it is, I'm going to consider it the highest level of dexterity ever seen in the history of artistry.

Drawing Some Bears

I've heard that a lot of kids I know and some I don't have been drawing flying pigs for the last little while because of a video I made. I feel that there is a limit to how much winged pork you can draw in a lifetime, and while I fortunately haven't reached that point, some of these poor kids did weeks ago. Since they don't know how to draw other stuff, they're still cranking out pigs. To keep them from burning out on drawing completely, I put this new video together. Look, kids! You can finally draw something else! I wish I had used a darker pencil… something for me to remember when everyone's sick of drawing hugging bears and I have to make a new drawing video. Hey, kids - DON'T hold your pencils like this! It works just fine, but the resulting ridicule never ends.

Harry Potter

This is the cover of the final book in the Harry Potter series: "Harry Potter and the Worthless Education."

It's a shame that potential employers care so little about the good grade you got in "Spell Casting," and the way they mock you when you say they haven't heard of the school you graduated from because it can only be accessed through an invisible portal at the train station. Way to prepare your students for the real world, Hogwarts.

I don't mean to imply by this that flipping pancakes at IHOP is a bad occupation... but when you're trained in the largely useless art of wizardry, it must feel like a big step down. Sorry to have spoiled the big twist at the end of the final book.

American Gladiators

Recently I was thrilled to learn that ESPN Classic airs reruns of American Gladiators every night at 11 o'clock. For me this has meant less sleep, but it has also meant a great deal more laughing about blunt force trauma caused to mullet-wearing heads. Nitro, Gemini, Thunder, and the gang... oh, the flashbacks.

My ninth-grade Geometry teacher took a month off of work (probably for a medical procedure of some kind), and he told us he wouldn't be around because he was trying out for American Gladiators. Some of the students believed him, but I knew the show well enough to know that "Out-Weigh All of the Gladiators Combined" wasn't one of their events. Too bad, though... he would have smoked them in that.

Is American Gladiators the best TV show ever? Probably not. But is it the best show ever about over-grown beast-people using padded clubs and tennis ball guns to beat the crap out of bus drivers and grocery store clerks? I dare to assume that it's at least in the top four or five. Seriously - what's not to like? It's a recipe for magic! Thank heavens for reruns.

Lorax & Google

This is the "Star-Bellied Lorax in the Hat" that I drew for Toon Club's Dr. Seuss topic. I originally wanted to create my own Seuss-ish creature and write a poem about it, using made-up words to bridge otherwise unrhymeable gaps, but I wasn't feeling very creative. Speaking of made-up words, how would you spell "unrhymeable" if it was a word? Not even a suggestion, spell check? I'd like to have a Lorax of my own, because it would be interesting to know what the trees are thinking.

I suppose it's time again to write about one of my favorite topics... dumb Google searches. Yeah, the gag's a little over-played on my blog, but there have been some classics recently:

• online sketches of lizards
• how do I make my widescreen movie fullscreen?
• do kangaroos have arms?
• a blue cheetah that is retarded and stupid and it could defend anyone against a polar bear
• how to you how draw a chipmunk?

Well, "How" to you too, Chief! Looking to add some chipmunk drawings to the outside of your teepee? Do they have stencils for that kind of thing maybe? I wish I could be of more help.

Online sketches of lizards? Do you really need to say the "online" part? Have you ever been referred by Google to a sketchbook someone's carrying around? And if you're not that specific you're going to have to track down the guy who drew the lizard yourself and ask to see it?

How do you make widescreen movies fullscreen? Let's see... sit really close... move plants and bookshelves to block the sides of your TV... wear horse blinders. Plenty of ways.

Do kangaroos have arms? Is your internet presented in Braille? Because if not, I'm not sure how you'll ever get your answer. Well, I guess there's the "ask ANYONE" option, because that's who would know if kangaroos have arms.

And lastly... who even knew you could do a Google search that long? A blue cheetah, huh? That could defend anyone against a polar bear? That seems to be asking a lot of an animal that's retarded AND stupid... especially a discolored jungle cat. (If you do that search, my blog is the number one result. Where have I gone wrong?)

Lucille Bluth

Hey, look! Another Arrested Development sketch! This is Lucille Bluth... a terrible person, and therefore a great character. Here are some of my favorite "Lucille" quotes:

"Everything I've said about you can be covered with makeup and a lie about a thyroid problem."

"It’s his glasses. They make him look like a lizard. Plus he’s self-conscious."

"I don’t criticize you. And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense."

And when her granddaughter asked if they could go get ice cream:
"I don’t think so. That chubby little wrist of yours is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is."

I may have to take a break from doing these character drawings so I can accomplish other things with my life, but Michael, George Sr., G.O.B., George Michael, Lindsay, and Maeby will all be on the way someday.

Ratatouille

Saturday night there was a sneak preview of PIXAR’s newest film, Ratatouille. Anyone who knows me will already know that I was there. There are probably bigger fans of PIXAR than I am, but aside from John Lasseter, I don’t know any. You know what I just realized? I haven’t sent a portfolio to PIXAR in more than a year. Either I really like my job or I’ve gotten lazy... probably a combination of the two.

We got to the movie over an hour early so we could have any seat in the theater... and we got the best seats there... in the center of the back row. Back row? Exactly. Then everyone who talks during the movie is facing away from me... no one can kick my seat... things like that. Why be surrounded by idiots when the back row offers a boundary from them on at least one side?

Now, don’t worry - I know Ratatouille hasn’t been released yet, so I’m not going to give anything away. All I’ll say about it is that Pixar is 8-for-8... a fine start for a movie studio. Lots of studios are making animated films, but only one of them has never messed up. Pixar’s incredible! Honestly, I loved it before I even saw it because Brad Bird’s a genius, Pixar’s story people are the best there are (better than me? what?), and John Lasseter... well, if I love him so much, why don't I marry him? I can think of several undeniable reasons, but he's awesome. So I went into it with insanely high expectations... and I still wasn't disappointed.

The animation blew my mind. Remy's only communication with Linguini was through gesturing and expressions... and that takes a lot of thought and work. And making Linguini look like he was moving against his will couldn't have been easy... and kind of goes against everything I learned in animation classes and books. It all looked beautiful! You know what... just go see it... June 29th. It's another great movie that everyone will love forever... or at least I will. Hooray for PIXAR and the way they saved animation several years back... and for continuously adding more classics to the history of animated movies. If any PIXAR people read this... thanks. You're the best!

And just one more thing for the movie-going public... if you have to text message during the film, maybe you’re too important to see a movie in the first place. If your wife is about to give birth and you’re expecting a call, maybe you shouldn’t be at a movie either. The technology that offers you enough light to see who’s calling you or to read the text message you just received is the same technology that is blinding everyone behind you. They may not say it or do it, but everyone wants to punch you in the back of the head. Just a head’s up.

Buster Bluth

"Restless, Buster went to the kitchen to find something to help him sleep when he came across Lucille's emergency stash of wine, which he mistook for a giant juice box. It was the first taste of alcohol Buster had since he was nursing."

Happy birthday to my brother, Landon... 19 today. "Hey, brother."

Tobias Fünke

Arrested Development was the best TV show ever, and then it was cancelled because you didn't watch it. If you did watch it, ignore that last part where I attacked you needlessly.

Dr. Tobias Fünke is a "nevernude." He wears Levi cutoffs under his clothes. He also tried to join the Blue Man Group after mistaking them for a support group for depressed men. If you haven't seen Arrested Development, go do it now... I'll wait here.

Mary Poppins

I love Mary Poppins! But as wonderful as that movie is, I'm actually talking about Mary herself... the fictional nanny. I love her. My wife knows I feel this way, and she's okay with it... probably because, even if Mary Poppins was real, she would now be in her early 70's. When I was a kid, she seemed old and disagreeable, but then I grew up and was pleased to learn that Mary Poppins is actually quite hot. It's a jolly holiday with Mary... no wonder that it's Mary that I love.

Mary Poppins is seriously my favorite movie ever, and not just because I have a disturbing, 40-year outdated crush on Julie Andrews. Dick Van Dyke and David Tomlinson should have won Oscars for it like Julie Andrews and the Sherman Brothers did. While we're at it... let's give a Lifetime Achievement Award to the penguin waiters. Eminem has an Oscar... then why not the penguins?

Otters Are Jerks

While watching BBC's Planet Earth a couple of days ago, I saw some footage that blew my mind... and now I know something I'd never even assumed before: otters are complete jerks. It's true! Much like high school girls who seem sweet and innocent in pictures or when there's just one of them present, otters become largely unbearable when they're in groups.

The clip shows a romp of otters (which is what pretentious people call a group of otters, even though "group of otters" would obviously suffice) nipping at the tail of an unthreatening crocodile and backing down another crocodile for no good reason. The narration explains that a crocodile "could easily take a single otter, but confident in their gangs, the otters will actively harass these great reptiles."

I love that the crocodiles are buying it... allowing themselves to be intimidated by a parcel of squeaky toys (which is what pretentious people call a group of squeaky toys). If a crocodile would just gobble up a handful of otters, I imagine the tide would turn. Until then... otters are jerks.

Tech Support Scale

When I was in middle school, I used to write papers on our typewriter. Yeah... I'm that old. When I hit the wrong key, I had to go back and re-type the accidental letter a dozen times with the white tape to cover up the mistake, leaving a grayish smudge where the faulty letter once was. Typing a paper took forever. And the second draft took forever again, because the whole paper had to be re-typed. Freaking nightmare!

In high school I would go to my aunt's house to type papers because she had a computer... a really nice one with a six-inch, black-and-white monitor. Correcting typing mistakes was a lot easier... the challenge was getting the words from the screen to the paper. After sending the document to print, I generally had a copy of it in my hand in six to eight weeks.

Then computers suddenly got cool. I can't even imagine a world without email now. No email? Without email, how would I communicate with people I don't want to talk to? I used to have to buy film and have it developed... meaning I even had to pay for the pictures that sucked. What? And I actually had to get up and leave my house to go Christmas shopping? What was I... a caveman? And don't even get me started on having to go to the library to learn things, or needing to find a newspaper to see if the Lakers won. How did I not realize at the time how miserable life was? Luckily I see it now so I can complain about it retrospectively... retroactively? I don't know... retro-somethingly.

As great as computers are, I know very little about them. If something goes wrong, I fall back on the old "control-alt-delete" combo. If that doesn't fix it, I'm out of ideas. For someone who uses the computer for everything, I certainly am a computery idiot.

I haven't had a lot of time to draw lately... Wii got a we. I'm an incredible tennis player when I don't have to run.

Hot Dog on a Stick

I considered several titles for this one. Lil' Smokie... based on the name of the delicious, bite-sized sausages I overate in college. American Dog... the title of one of Disney's upcoming animated films. And Well Done Little Dog... with the comma purposely omitted. But in the end I opted for Hot Dog on a Stick, because I admire restaurants that choose to exist only in mall food courts. No sell-out, street-side locations for that employee-humiliating hot dog chain.

On the topic of humiliating your employees... what's with the unfortunate hats? Luckily for us, I already looked into it. Based on the Hot Dog on a Stick website, "the uniform was inspired by a whimsical mid-1960's trend when jockey caps and hot pants were in style." This just in... jockey caps and hot pants were NEVER in style. The site also claims that "the employees say the hats make their jobs more fun." Is that what they say? Just when they thought deep-frying a corn dog couldn't get any jollier, along came the fun-inducing jockey caps?

So anyway, I went with Hot Dog a Stick for my title, because Crispy Terrier on a Flag Pole won't get as many Google hits. Or will it? I drew this for the Avalanche Art Blog. The topic was Dragons. I fear my wife is ashamed of me again... she tends to not approve of my barbecue-themed drawings.

Smokey the Bear

I know a lot about mobsters... for instance, they are bears. Having just read that, I doubt anyone will be surprised to learn that I've never seen a single Godfather movie or so much as a minute of a Sopranos episode. But based on their trailers and what I've gathered about the mob, mob bosses are a lot like bears. They are big, they are hairy, and they kill people who get in their way. The only difference is that mob bosses have guns. Do bears have guns? Just in case, I'm not going camping... as though I needed more reasons not to camp. As it turns out, I'm addicted to toilets.

Little Pharaoh

I loved playing in the sand when I was a kid. I'd build roads and tunnels at the beach for my Matchbox cars or re-create Tatooine's Dune Sea from Return of the Jedi in our sandbox. Boba Fett got lost in that sandbox on several occasions, which is bound to happen to anyone who consistently falls into the mouth of the Sarlacc in the Great Pit of Carkoon. Looks like my childhood sandbox adventures were pretty nerdy.

The recent Toon Club topic was Ancient Egypt. I figure ancient Egypt was a boring place for anyone, but especially for a kid. Aside from the short-lived excitement brought on by a passing plague, there was really only one option for something to do... play with sand. Sure, Egypt's a giant sandbox and should be tons of fun, but seriously... how many times can Boba Fett get eaten? (Technically he can only be eaten once every thousand years. That's how long it takes for the Sarlacc's unfortunate captives to be painfully dissolved inside its stomach).

So I would guess that Pharaoh came up with the idea for pyramids in the enormous sandbox of his youth, and years later he had the drive to see his vision through to reality. Mostly he had the slaves to do it, but he also had the drive. Well, okay - it was the slave drivers who had the "drive"... but those were his.

Back from Disney World

Welcome, blog visitors! You may have noticed that I haven't posted anything in a while. That's because I spent the last week in Orlando. I took this picture on Tuesday at the Magic Kingdom. If you look at it while sitting in a cauldron of boiling water, you'll feel like you were in Orlando on Tuesday too. I don't love the humidity, but it was a nice vacation all the same. Is it even considered a "vacation" to go to Disney World when you work for Disney? Did I take a week off of work, or did I put in an 80-hour week?

Hey, those of you who follow my blog may be impressed to know that I swam with sharks at Typhoon Lagoon last Thursday. Am I insane? They gave me a snorkel, but I didn't even end up needing it. As it turns out, I can hold my breath for more than 7 minutes when I'm concentrating on not crapping my shorts out of fear. Who knew?

Thank you all for your comments and for stopping by. Come back soon - I'll have something new here in the next couple of days. It's time to get back to drawing after an exhausting week of extensive "overtime" in Florida.

Tyrannosaurus Rex

I cannot spell "Tyrannosaurus." After several failed attempts, I copied and pasted it from another site. As it turns out, I'm just not that bright. But I take comfort knowing that this must be a common spelling hang up, because somewhere along the way everyone started calling the thing a "T-Rex." I guess most people can spell "T," so we stick with what we know.

This week's T-Club topic is The Land Before Time. How many sequels to that thing are there? Forty-three? Forty-four? Somewhere in there... still less than seventy, I believe. Aren't they approaching the land during time yet? How much time was there before time? Oh crap... I just blew my mind. S-Lew out.

Spider-Monkey

I grew up with three sisters and a mom… the only man of the house (as long as you don’t object to using the word “man” that loosely). While my friends were watching The Dukes of Hazzard and The A-Team with their brothers and dads, I was watching The Love Boat and The Facts of Life with the Lewis women. Thanks to this lack of childhood exposure to boyish things, I grew up without much interest in comic books or superheroes… unless you consider Tootie a superhero. There would be a case for that, but I’m not going to make it right now.

This week’s Toon Club topic was Spider-Man… a topic I don’t have a lot of background in. Instead of trying to draw a character who has been expertly drawn millions of times before, I decided to return to my “monkeys as superheroes” theme and draw the Spider-Monkey. I’ll leave the actual superhero drawings to people who know more about Peter Parker than they know about Mrs. G.

Flooding the House

As a kid I had glorious visions of filling up our entire house with water and swimming from room to room. It never bothered me that most of my possessions would be destroyed in the flood or that my family would immediately die from electrocution if someone were to turn on the TV. Even knowing that the lack of breathing would only allow me to enjoy my aquatic wonder-home for about a minute before I drowned didn't stand in my way. All imaginable impossibilities aside, there was only one reason I never actually turned on all of the faucets and flooded the house. You guessed it... sharks.

Heaven knows, as soon as your house if full of water, it's only a matter of two or three minutes before sharks show up. And despite what shark experts keep telling me, sharks ARE mindless, eating machines.

Now that I think about it, though, it's not just incoming sharks that sour me on this idea. I've just realized that a small portion of my house-pool would inevitably be made up of at least some percentage of toilet water. So if it weren't for sharks and toilet water, this would be an excellent idea. But as reality stands, I don't think I'll flood my house on purpose... probably.

S.T. Lewis Arch

Unlike the boastfully extravagant St. Louis Arch, which is 630 feet tall and a predictably boring 630 feet wide, the S.T. Lewis Arch stands a reasonable eight-feet tall and is roughly three manatees wide. No one likes a "show-off" arch, and I'm guessing that's why so many people Google "St. Lewis Arch" instead of Googling the more popular, similarly named "St. Louis Arch." It was those Google-using, spelling bee champions who inspired me to create my very own arch. But unlike the one in Missouri with its cold, stainless steel, my arch is made out of the animals I most like to draw... and a cardinal. You like that, St. Louis? Bring it.

If you're familiar with my blog, you know that I make fun of Google searches from time to time. Here are some recent Googlings I've enjoyed:

• How did cheetahs get endangered?
• How to bread chipmunks
• Sharks or pigs which tastes better when flying
• What does a boxing kangaroo stand for?
• Show me the ocean sharks and things

I love that last one. Google's a magic mirror now? I guess you could just search for "shark" and then click on "images," but where's the feeling of a royal decree in that? And you just want to see the ocean sharks? So no "non-ocean-going" sharks, then. I guess that's pretty specific. "Things," on the other hand... maybe a little vague. As for the rest of the list... cheetahs got endangered when lots of them died. To bread a chipmunk, dip it in milk and then roll it in flour and bread crumbs. Flying pigs don't exist, so based purely on that fundamental logic, I would guess that a flying shark is going to taste better. However, managing to get a taste of a shark while it's flying may prove to be difficult. Good luck with all that. And lastly, a boxing kangaroo stands for truth and justice... maybe some other stuff. It's hard to say because they don't speak, but I like to think they're not just boxing without a purpose.

King Kong

Giant gorillas make really good pets if you live on an island where dinosaurs are trying to eat you. If you live anywhere else, a giant gorilla is about the worst pet there is... unless you count cats. No pet is worse than a cat.

The 13th Ladybug

If you're familiar with Sesame Street's classic "Ladybug Picnic" segment, you already know that twelve ladybugs attended the picnic for an afternoon of sack-racing, rope-jumping, and the inevitable whine-a-thon concerning the over-pricing of furniture and rugs. The ladybugs seemed like a fairly likeable bunch, but then it occurred to me... unless fate is repeatedly crossing my path with the paths of the exact same ladybugs, there are quite possibly hundreds of ladybugs out there... or at least more than twelve. So what about all the ladybugs who didn't get invited to the exclusionary, elitist picnic? Still waiting by the phone... crying... thinking of "knock-knock" jokes they might have told. What about them? I'm beginning to think that that fire wasn't an accident. (The fact that they had marshmallows kind of tipped me off).

Sesame Street is the best show ever for kids, or at least it was before Elmo moved in and ran Grover out of the neighborhood. I know some of you disagree because your kids like Barney or the Wiggles. Yeah, well - they'd probably like rum if you gave it to them too. That doesn't make it right.

Juggling Rabbit

Once again I've drawn something that caused my wife to say, "I think you need therapy." She's serious too. But you see, drawing is the therapy. Now that I've drawn this semi-violent scene, I don't have to try it in real life with real chicks or real bunnies. The violent tendencies are relieved, and nobody's hurt. Therapy complete. Thanks heavens I have art as an outlet... I shudder at the thought of how innocent chicks may have suffered otherwise.

I think it was the chicks on the ground that really bothered her, but I've tried juggling, and it's hard. I'm impressed the rabbit still has more than half of the little guys in the mix. Instead of being critical of what he's doing wrong, let's just celebrate what he's doing right, because that's some fine juggling... especially for a rabbit.

Batman & Bullwinkle

I've given up using food for inspiration... now I'm just combining TV shows I liked as a kid. It's still not creative, but at least it doesn't make sense.

I drew this for this week's Toon Club topic: Rocky and Bullwinkle. I hope next week's topic is "Batman and Robin," or I'll have to draw something completely new. I think I speak for me when I say, "Enough with all this drawing!" Check out my niece's drawing of Rocky on Toon Club Jr. It's the coolest!

The Battle Gator

As you may already be aware, Battle Gators do not exist. What troubles me most about this fact is that all the supplies you would need to build a Battle Gator DO exist. Assuming you don't have a history of violence or terrorism, it would only take four or five days to gather the necessary weapons. And then, what... maybe ten minutes to strap everything to an alligator? In less than a week of very minimal work, I could possess the ultimate weapon. But alas, I'm lazy, and I haven't a single alligator to my name. Oh well... a man can dream (which is exactly why I take so many naps).

You should have seen the macaroni and cheese I traced to come up with this thing.

Meet the Robinsons

Today Disney released their 46th animated feature: Meet the Robinsons. Wait... this is going to sound way cooler: Today we released our 46th animated feature! Sweet. Okay, so I didn't have anything to do with the movie, but I did work on the video game. Here are a few of the storyboards I did for one of the game's cinematics. I tried to find a sequence that wouldn't give away anything about the movie or the game... just wanted to advertise them both a little here on my blog. If you haven't seen the movie yet, what are you waiting for? It's pretty nice, and the Bowler Hat Guy's great. So go support animation, Disney, and ME by seeing the one and playing the other.

Don't expect to see the characters I've drawn in either of them, though... storyboard artists don't draw on model... or at least I don't.

Pretzelephant

I'm tired of making up stuff to draw from my own head. From now on I'm just going to trace food and maybe add a tail or some eyes if I need them to complete the image. This will likely leave me with very awkward-looking, disproportioned crimes of nature, but my brain demands a rest. Plus I'm eating anyway, so there's one less thing I have to do. So long, creativity. Hello, misshapen elephant.

The Frog Prince

Sometimes I see a beautiful, attractive girl with some creepy, weird-looking guy, and my first thought is, "How did that guy get a girl like her? Is he really funny? Is she really blind? What's going on there?" Then I think, "I hope everyone isn't that critical of this photo, because I was really sick that day."

The point is, as ugly or unlikeable as you probably are, there could very well be someone out there who's willing to settle for you. That's right... there's someone for everyone! And if it turns out there's no one for you, then that phrase is inaccurate.

I've heard it said that "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince." Call me crazy, but if I was looking for a prince (and I'm not... because I'm married... to a girl... in case you didn't get that from the first paragraph), first I'd try knocking on the drawbridge at the castle. If that failed, maybe I'd ask the Queen if she'd seen him. There's also wanted posters, private investigators, pictures on milk cartons... countless methods at your disposal. Initiating intimate encounters with frogs would be way down the list for me if it even made the list at all. It seems fairly obvious that the frogs themselves developed that phrase, and I'm not buying it.