2006 is down to its last few hours. Starting tomorrow morning, I'll be writing the wrong year on checks and things for the following four to seven months. Really looking forward to that. It's been a good year... new job, new blog, new house, fun trips, lovely wife...
A fox with a stretched out body... a snail with a beard... a cash-carrying fellow in a terrified sprint... a lady stirring a mixing bowl with her foot. If this page of sketches only had some vampires and assorted birds, it would be a showcase of everything that Christmas means to me. Oh, hey - there they are!
This is my Christmas card to all of you who still come to this place I call "blog." I don't know a lot of you personally, but it's nice knowing that you stop by occasionally to see what I've drawn and to partake of my mental wanderings. I'm glad there's you, or I probably wouldn't have a blog. So thank you all, and happy holidays!
As part of a joke on his show last week, Conan O'Brien mentioned a fake website. He found out later that NBC has to buy any website he mentions if it doesn't already exist, so for $159, NBC became the owner of HornyManatee.com. Conan didn't want the site to go to waste, so they started adding stuff to it, including fan art. I sent in this one that I spent about a half hour on. Conan and his show are the coolest.
The Twelve Days of Christmas is a ridiculous song. If you sing at a fast tempo and skip five or six verses, you can sing the whole thing in just under 40 minutes. Yet sadly, the song's length is the most sane thing about it. I love Christmas carols... but I do not like The Twelve Days of Christmas.
I drew this for our Christmas card last year, based on the song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Some of my friends said they had to hide or destroy the card because it was scaring their kids. That song always made me a little uncomfortable, so I was glad to relay that terror to a new generation of children.
It has been widely suggested that manatees (or "menatee") could be behind the myth of the mermaid. Sailors who were unfamiliar with manatees may have seen them and mistook them for the mythical, human-like species. A manatee surfacing in a patch of seaweed could have appeared to be a mermaid with long, flowing hair.
The Brady Bunch taught me long ago that tikis are cursed. A giant tarantula on Peter's chest... Greg can't surf perfectly... obviously a tiki is to blame. Spiders and surfing wipe outs don't just happen on their own. And so I have to side with the Bradys on this one... tikis are cursed.
Turkey goes great with bacon and avocados on sourdough, but as attractive as turkeys are, the meat that hangs from their bones just isn't my favorite. So this year we've decided to do the humane thing and not eat the traditional Thanksgiving turkey. On a less humane note, this Thursday's dinner will feature my very first Thanksgiving Ham. Sorry, pigs... there's simply no getting around the fact that you're delicious. Don't get too comfortable, though, turkeys... as long as there's bacon, avocados, and sourdough bread to be enjoyed, every day you're on deck as a possible sandwich.
While staying in a motel in Universal City on Monday night, I saw the greatest thing ever on the news... a story that began as a boring traffic report. Cars were backed up for miles on the Golden State Freeway near Sylmar (about 25 miles north of Los Angeles), after two trucks collided, causing the cargo of one to be scattered over 80 feet of several lanes of freeway. That truck's cargo? Frozen pigs.
Cheetahs are the fastest of all land animals. They have been known to reach speeds up to 70 miles an hour. I had a Ford Tempo once that was known to reach speeds up to 67 miles an hour, at which point it shook so violently that the glove compartment opened on its own.
The first time the Wright Brothers flew, they landed after only 12 seconds. The only time this guy flew, he landed in just over two gasps and a scream. I'm not sure how many seconds that is, but it's probably more than twelve. The higher the cliff, the longer the flight... the longer the "flight," the deader the caveman.
I've heard that there are some animals that live so deep in the ocean that we'll never see them or even know they exist. But if we'll never know they exist, how do we know they exist? That thought just gave me a headache, like when I try to do math.
This morning when I turned on the kitchen light, I was horrified to find a terrible thing on our kitchen table. Staring at me from right there where I had hoped to eat breakfast... a human skull. What the crap?! Is this some kind of joke? Who did this?
Here's the Dracula that I drew a few weeks back for Toon Club but forgot to post on here. It's not my favorite, but I wanted to post something because it's been a while. My wife and I spent the last week in New York City... doing all the touristy things. I'll write something about that on here soon with more details of all we did... as though you care.
Dogs are smooth, colorful, and largely void of detail. If you believe that, you'll be amazed at the realism I was able to achieve in these drawings. If you don't believe that, I hope you can still enjoy a rainbow of quickly-drawn, even-more-quickly-colored, dog-like shapes.Who's running these searches? And they're being directed to me? What have I done? Listen - if you're unsure whether or not you've been kicked in the crotch... don't Google it. Just wait a second... you'll know.
If you're a zombie... congratulations. You've just been granted a second chance at life... a chance to do all that you missed before your original demise. So why is it that the first act for most of the "living dead" is to vandalize people's homes? Are they lying in their graves thinking, "I totally wasted my life! Why didn't I spend more time kicking in walls, ripping doors from their hinges, and uprooting floorboards?" Then along comes some curse on humanity or a Michael Jackson video (it can be difficult to differentiate between the two), and without hesitation they set out to inflict property damage.
As hard as it is to believe, this is not a Pinocchio screen cap. Then I must have held a piece of paper up to my TV screen and traced it... right? Wrong. As "on model" as this sketch is, from Gideon's slight backward lean to the photo-real perspective of the book, you'll be amazed to learn that I actually drew this when I was a kid. No, really! Or possibly when I was in college.
If you've never watched Lost, you know more about what's going on than I do. The more I watch it, the less I know. Having seen every episode, I don't even know how to spell my own name. Each episode introduces hundreds of questions without answering any that were presented previously.
How accurate is it to categorize manatees as "wildlife?" Surfacing for air is about the wildest thing they do, and I've seen pine cones more full of life. It's nearly impossible to tell the difference between a manatee and a log floating at sea. The only way you can tell is if one of them appaers to smile at you for a second... that's the log.
So many of you have been posting Halloweenish sketches and paintings lately... I was inspired to try some of my own. I wanted to draw some scary-looking Halloweeners (probably not the best name for them), but it turns out I don't draw "scary." Everything I ever drew in college got the same response from other students... "Oh, that's cute." Cute? That's a guy wearing a pony carcass getting hit by a train. I actually didn't draw that... yet. But I bet I could make it "cute." More Halloweeners will be on the way soon.
I'd probably think twice before getting involved in an activity that might require me to have a "Yipe" or an "Ouch" sign on hand.
Last week's Toon Club topic was "Tall Tales." I spent most of the week going to Disneyland, so I had to rush to get mine done last night. I had a few ideas for a scene that included Kevin Watermelonrind AND Johnny Appleseed, but there wasn't time for that, so all you get is Kevin... standing boringly alone. If watermelon rind yielded watermelon when planted, perhaps Kevin would have been a pioneer and American legend like Johnny Appleseed. Because it doesn't, Kevin Watermelonrind is a buffoon. At least he tried to plant something... which is more than I've ever done.
Here we go... diving a little deeper into the stack of sketches I found by my desk last week. I still like the idea of "The Bearded Womanatee" as a circus freak, but that quick sketch was all I did before deciding on The Headless-Horse Man instead. I need to get back to drawing manatees soon... they're fun to draw because they have no detectable skeletal structure, and the uglier the drawing, the closer it is to "accurate."
As a kid I never remembered my bus number on the first day of school. When I got on the bus to school that morning, I was still in my sleep. I’d have climbed aboard a garbage truck if it had stopped at the right street corner. It was never until directly after school that I remembered how important that little number is. Some kids dread going “back to school.” For me the nightmare was getting home again.
Do not declaw your rabbit! Unlike cats, the bottoms of a rabbit's feet have no pads, so they need their claws to balance. Declawing your rabbit would basically cripple it, so only do that if you're intentionally punishing it... in which case you really need to lighten up on your rabbit.
I've heard it said that "you can never be too safe." What about this kid? He's waiting for a bus. He's so "safe" that the other kids will most likely beat him up... and if they don't, I will, because he totally deserves it. Nice oven mitts, safety boy!
Monkeys can't do puppet shows... that's a good title for a song. Maybe a country song... or reggae. You see, monkeys lack the opposable thumbs required to operate a puppet's mouth. Beyond that, monkeys can't speak, making puppetry quite impossible for monkeys on at least two levels. A ventriloquist monkey would be even more confusing, because now no one's mouth is moving. This could all be the song, but it would need to rhyme or at least have a memorable chorus.
Here's the second batch of sketches I found around my desk yesterday. Chickens, pigs, a pirate, a terrified paper boy... pretty basic stuff. The pigs aren't even wearing capes, which is admittedly quite boring. Sorry about that.
I was cleaning around my desk today and found some old sketches that weren't as bad as some of the others. Most of them seem to be abandoned concepts from Toon Club topics. I'll post more of them another day.
Okay, so no... this isn't a drawing. But I wanted to point out that the third and final season of Arrested Development went on sale today. If you want to buy it... sorry, you're too late. We went to Target to buy it tonight, and it was already sold out. So we went to Best Buy... sold out there too. What? A show that got cancelled due to lack of interest was sold out on the day of its release in multiple stores? How did that happen? A better question: Why did they cancel the best show ever? Man, I miss it. If you've never seen it, you may want to look into what character flaw of yours has caused this shortcoming.
You may remember this raccoon from a drawing that I posted in July. His design is the best of the four of them, and that's because I didn't design him. My good bud Seth Hippen did... and I stole it! I forgot to give Seth credit then, so I decided I better mention it now and remind you all to go check out Seth's blog. He's incredible... an amazing artist, and about the nicest person I've ever met. Yeah, that's right... even nicer than YOU. Three cheers for Seth! Thanks for letting me steal your beautiful designs, Seth... and not complaining when I dumb them down to match my level of drawing ability. Hippen, Hippen - hooray!
This is our new couch. It is as soft as the clouds in heaven where it was made. While I was testing our couch in the store, two women came over and sat beside me. One of them said, "See - this one's too soft?" Too soft? What are you... Goldilocks? The only job a couch has is "being soft." A football helmet can be too soft, but not a couch. Calling a couch too soft is like saying a cookie is too delicious. How dare you insult its only reason for existing? Too soft? Do you know what I say to that? "Soft couch... welcome home."
In the song Froggy Went A-Courtin', isn't it kind of weird that the frog marries Miss Mouse? And why does Kermit date a pig? What's with frogs dating outside of their species? Frogs aren't attractive... that may be part of it. Another reason may be that it's very difficult to tell what gender a frog is, which is why frogs gravitate toward a Miss Mouse or a Miss Piggy... no confusion there. And maybe since frogs look so similar, inter-species dating is the best way for them to ensure they're not dating their sisters.
Here's a little girl I designed a while back. I thought she turned out all right. She's for something that you'll probably never see, but if you do, you'll remember today as the day you first saw her. "Dear Diary..."
Themes have collided! This week's Toon Club topic was The Princess Bride, and I assume you're already aware of my recent obsession with rodents... or at least with things that can be classified as rodents because they don't resemble anything else. It was an easy call to go with the R.O.U.S. for this week's Toon Club piece, but then I got a little crazy and took the thing from "unusual size" to "ridiculous."
Several years ago I was having a picnic with my family in Yellowstone... delicious peanut butter and honey sandwiches... and probably some Pringles... or maybe Cheetos. The menu of the picnic wasn't meant to be my point here, but I'm posting this during my lunch break instead of eating, so I suppose this food-based hang-up is to be expected.
This week’s Toon Club topic is “circus freaks.” You’re probably thinking, “This doesn’t look anything like the Headless Horseman.” That’s because it’s not. This is the “Headless-Horse Man.” It’s easy to confuse the two of them… I bet they get each other’s mail.
I just saw this on DisneyShopping.com this morning. About 30 seconds later, I had ordered one. We already have similar statues of Pinocchio, Mr. Toad, the Crocodile from Peter Pan, the Mad Hatter, Pongo, and Big Al... which reminds me - where are we going to put this? Our house ran out of room for these things long ago. I guess we could keep it in the tub, but then where will the Mad Hatter go?
It's hard to draw people. If they don't look right, everyone notices and cringes in disgust, and babies begin to cry. On the other hand, audiences are quite forgiving of poorly drawn rodents with horribly distorted anatomy (see illustration above). That's why I draw a lot of rodents... my swamp creature, for example. What is that thing? There are so many rodents on the earth that we dare not be too critical. You say there's one that looks like that? Your guess is as good as mine.
Moments ago my little site got its 10,000th visitor! Ten thousand visitors?! Well, no... it's only about twelve different people, but you guys have been here a lot of times. Thanks for that! All of you who come here are the coolest! Which I believe is what is inscribed on the book the Statue of Liberty is holding.
Don't you hate it when you're just sitting down to dinner and someone knocks on the door, or the phone rings, or a bigger animal eats you? It seems considerably more difficult to enjoy a meal when you're the one being eaten. This causes me to wonder... why is it called a "circle of life?" I guess that's the optimistic approach, but for half of the creatures involved, it's a circle of death. Maybe if we all start calling it that, eventually it will catch on.
As I mowed the lawn yesterday, I wasn't too surprised when my head burst into flames. When I was done, I went inside and drew this. I've had about enough of summer.
If you're here for the drawings, this will certainly be a disappointing post. Worst illustration ever... took me thirty seconds to draw and two minutes to color. Here's some trivia you can't possibly care about... just keeping it handy as a reference in case a donkey kicks me in the head:
I had to dig through my personal archives again for this old drawing. I wanted to draw something new to post on here, but who has any time for that when the Discovery Channel is having its annual Shark Week?
Sometimes after you draw something, you look at it and go, "What?" Then you color it and put it on your blog.
I drew this in March, but I threw some color on it today because it seemed a nice fit for this week's Illustration Friday topic: Opposites. Dogs and cats both walk on four legs, and they're both pets, so I guess they're not too opposite... but they're as different as cats and dogs. Man, that was lame.
I know A LOT about pirates. For instance, I know that they pillage and plunder and rifle and loot. I also know that they don't give a hoot about kidnapping or ravaging. And how do I know all of this? Certainly not from books. If there are books that mention pirates, I haven't read them. Turns out I'm not much of a reader. If not from books, then how? Well... pirates sang a song about it, of course. These pirates claim to be rascals, scoundrels, and such, but you don't see much to support that. What are the two things you always see pirates doing? Singing and dancing.
