Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Avoiding Bear Attacks

What is the best way to avoid being attacked by a bear? Well, consider the statistics. Nearly every bear attack on record includes one very specific element: the outdoors. Though I suppose a bear may occasionally sneak up on someone in a post office or an elevator, the odds are in your favor that you can avoid bears, and therefore bear attacks, by simply staying inside. People who consider themselves "outdoorsy" are considered by bears to be "afternoon snacky." But just in case a situation ever arises that requires you to go outside, here are a few tips to help you avoid being attacked by a bear while you're out there.

If you meet a bear, your first option is to run for your life, or more precisely, to run to your death. I have heard that your best chance to outrun a bear is to run downhill, the theory being that a bear running down a hill might stumble because its hind legs are longer than its front legs. But leg length notwithstanding, an adult grizzly bear can run roughly 35 miles-an-hour. That is considerably faster than my top speed... a disappointing 35 miles-a-year-and-a-half. Even an incredibly fast person on a steep downward slope stands very little chance at outrunning a bear, leaving "running" an undesirable option if you hope to avoid a bear attack.

On the complete opposite end of the "surviving bears" spectrum from "running" is an option you've certainly heard before... Play dead. It is true that a bear probably won't kill you if you play dead. It is also true that it will bite you and claw you and throw you against trees and stuff until you not only seem but also wish you were dead. If you don't consider that an attack, then maybe playing dead is for you. But for those of us who were hoping to avoid organ damage and excessive bleeding altogether, playing dead is probably out.

No running and no playing dead? What else is there? It seems your best bet for avoiding a bear attack is to climb a tree... as long as you climb at least 30 feet. If you're lower than that, the bear will still probably get you. But since bears don't particularly like climbing trees, there's a better chance that, the higher you climb, the less interested the bear will be in pursuing you. After you've climbed high enough, just wait there until the bear loses interest and leaves the area. This shouldn't take more than two or three days. You may then fall to your death.

If all else fails, there is one way to avoid being killed by a bear that works every time. That's right... in the history of man and bear kind, it has never failed. The best way to avoid being killed by a bear is to die some other way.

20 comments:

Heather D. White said...

This is officially in my TOP 10 best entries ever!!! Classic. Was laughing so hard. Love this Shane. Yet again, a crazy awesome illustration and seriously witty writing. Just wanted to also thank you for the laughs. I've recently learned the value of a good belly laugh and have found that a good laugh has some pretty seriously awesome healing power....which made me realize that I need to laugh a little more often. Thanks for assisting in that. Love coming here to get a good laugh so that life is a little easier to handle sometimes! Thanks bud!

Adam Koford said...

This is exactly why you always see bears at the tops of mountains and not at the bottoms. Once they go up they can't come down. The same thing with horses and stairs. Horses never rent upstairs apartments.

Dalton said...

HILARIOS-

I CAN TELL YOU HAD FUN WITH THIS ONE!!! I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT POSTING MORE OFTEN HAS MADE MY DAYS FUN AND INTERESTING!!! KEEP POSTING AND HOPE THE JOBS GOING GOOD!
p.s. IF YOU LOOK AT HIM HE LOOKS LIKE HUMPHREY THE BEAR LOL
CYA

Felicia said...

Laugh. Out. Loud.

Seth Hippen said...

Love it! I was just discussing this very topic with my daughter last week. The drawing is awesome. May it be prominently placed in book 2. I'm already saving for it. Please don't release it until at least two years from now, 'cause that's when I'll have enough.

Nathan Lindsay said...

what's with the completely cool background scenery? What happened to the standard two-tone blurred circle? Love it. Love the bear. Love the advice.

Katya Longhi said...

it's fantastic and so funny :) you are a great artist :)

aintshakespeare said...

Awesome.

I think it might be worth the utter terror and years of nightmares and therapy that come with being attacked by a bear IF I could see one take a spill like in your drawing.

Great advice. I'll stay indoors and try to die some other way.

Sam Nielson said...

You win 5 stars each for two fantastic posts in a row. Now you have 10 useless, but perhaps sentimentally valuable, stars.

William Appledorn said...

i know, here's a solution. just bring a really big gun with you whenever your outdoors, so just in case a bear needs his afternoon snack you'll be ready.

great post man, equally great illustration. you crack me up

Besanii Krim said...

I love your work, Mr. Shane. ^_^ I'm constantly looking on here for new posts, and am never disappointed.
I enjoy reading your comments, and always get a good laugh.

Joe Romano 2 said...

WOW, amazing stuff! I came across your site a few months ago and have been following it ever since. Love your work. This one made me crack up. Can't wait to see what you come up with next.

Ben Reynolds said...

Dude your stuff is awesome, plain and simple. Love this bear illustration man.

Boni said...

Very cool stuff! I loved cupid illustration, very funny!!

Kevin Keele said...

Words to live by. As always.

Jenny said...

ROFL! My brothers and I love hiking and we usually run back down after we reach the top...well...this bear is me. Truly graceful. I'd totally kill myself first before any bear ever decided he needed me as a snack. Love it!

Adrian Ropp said...

Sometimes I forget to come to your blog when I see you drawing these at work, but kudos, my man. This is great!

Adam Ford said...

Beautiful drawing!

Matt said...

I'm surprised the orca whale boy hasn't commented on the inaccuracies contained in this post.

Anonymous said...

I have outrun a Black Bear over a distance greater than 100 yards. So it is possible. And I've lived to tell about it. Given that I've not come across a story anywhere of anyone doing so, I may be unique in that I'm the only person with a verified witness who's ever accomplished this feat. In addition, it was documented in police reports and the injuries sustained were treated by a Medical Doctor.

So, this assertion is not correct:

"If all else fails, there is one way to avoid being killed by a bear that works every time. That's right... in the history of man and bear kind, it has never failed. The best way to avoid being killed by a bear is to die some other way."

It can be done. I should know, since I've done it.

DISCLAIMER: But don't EVER try outrunning a bear for kicks. That is, provoking a wild animal into chasing you think that you can outrun it. Because you may never live to tell your tale. At best you'll probably be maimed for life.