Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dogs Get Old Quickly

It used to bother me when neighborhood dogs would bark and howl in the middle of the night, but then I realized something. Based on the calculation that a human year is equal to seven dog years, if a dog barks at 2AM on a Monday morning, to him he's actually barking at 5PM in 2084. He's probably just trying to protect you from burglars and alien invaders who will be snooping around your backyard in seventy-four years. Consider that for a moment. It's a fascinating thought, riddled with countless logistical holes.

How did someone figure out that a human year is equal to seven dog years? Were a lot of two-year-old dogs reading at an 8th grade level? Because that doesn't say as much about how time works for dogs as it says about 8th grade illiteracy. However this "human to dog" time relationship was determined, the discrepancy between the two explains why your dog celebrates excessively every time you return home. What seemed like a normal day at work to you lasted almost three days for your dog. Your week-long vacation? Nearly two dog months. If the people who provided my food left me home alone for unpredictably lengthy periods of time, I'd start chewing up the couch cushions too.

This coming Thursday afternoon, my wife and I will celebrate our 50th Dog Year Anniversary... which is equal to seven years and 52.14 days in dumb, slow-moving, human time. These fifty years of marriage have been the best years of my 244 year life.

11 comments:

Gabby Zapata said...

hah thats crazy! that is interesting to think about. now i'll be doing that with my puppy since she was born a day before my birthday! Happy 50th dog anniversary! haha :)

Attilio Spagnuolo said...

hahaa..fantastico!

Ken Chandler said...

With this logic you've singlehandedly saved the lives of thousands of yappy yard dogs the world over, possibly millions.

Congratulations on your 50th Dog Year Anniversary! That's landmark.

Robin said...

ROFL! 8th grade illiteracy!! Man, your logic cracks me up

Heather Dixon said...

Congratulations! 50 dog years is an awesome accomplishment.

Besunii Krim-chan said...

Congrats, Mr. Shane!! :D
I could never really figure out the dog-year thing either...
Love this pic, always looking forward to your posts. ^^

Pri! said...

Seu trabalho é lindo. Parabéns!

Heather said...

All this math is making my head spin! Interesting stuff. But why are there only 'dog years'? What about cat years or horse years or shark years? Not fair, if you ask me.

Anyway, happy 50th anniversary. If my calcuations are correct (which, seeing as the left side of my brain isn't up to par, they're probably not), you only have 301 more years until your golden anniversary!

Nathan Lindsay said...

this is marvelous.

Tyler Roberts said...

"However this "human to dog" time relationship was determined, the discrepancy between the two explains why your dog celebrates excessively every time you return home." Hilarious! Good stuff, Shane.

Tammy said...

I haven't stalked your blog in a while, but when I do I can always count on a good laugh. You kill me. Usually I just read things and smile, but you always make me laugh out loud. "Dog years" logic, your 20 hours of sleep each day during college. . .too funny.