Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bursting with American Pride

It has been widely publicized in recent years that Americans are fat, but is this an accurate assessment or an unfair generalization? I looked up the statistics, and I was proud to find that nearly one in three Americans is barely fat at all, meaning that we, as a nation, score an unimpressive 67% when it comes to being overweight. Sixty-seven percent? That would earn you a D+ in most high school classrooms... hardly enough to cause your fellow students to refer to you as "the smart kid." Sure we're a little on the chunky side, but until we reach a respectable 90% obesity rate, shouldn't we be known for our cowboy hats, our poorly-made cars, and our arrogant self-importance? After all, our success rate in those fields is well above 67%.

As fat as we may seem, America isn't even the fattest country. Like most Olympic events, our chubby nation comes in third in that race. Did you know that the U.S. has more bronze medals than China, Canada, Spain, Russia, and Germany combined? We're the third-placingest country on the planet! If we ever hope to become the fattest country, we must first find a way to out-eat and under-exercise American Samoa and Kiribati. What? There's a country called Kiribati? When did this happen? Maybe we assume we're the fattest country in the world because we haven't heard of the other countries yet, and it's this disregard for the world beyond our borders that seems far more "American" to me than the two-in-three guys who have to turn sideways to get off of a bus... which raises the question... how did they get on there in the first place?

Happy 4th of July, my fellow fatties! It's time for some grillin' and explodin'! Yee-haw! (We shall now throw our cowboy hats in the air and shoot at them with our many handguns).

5 comments:

Rachel Hope said...

HAHAHAHAHA...always love your posts...the illustrations are amazing, but the added humor (truth) is the Frosting on the Giant Slice of Chocolate Cake!

Il Conformista said...

The fatties will be laughing on the other sides of their chubby faces when the alien ships come along and suck up all of us skinny folk with their special rays...

doodleaday said...

i think i like your rants even more then the accompanying illustrations, which are awesome all by themselves! don't forget the great american sense of entitlement. not only are we important, but we deserve way more then we ever receive, right?

Richtoon said...

Great post as usual! Keep it up! You should do stand up with all of this observational humour!

Joal said...

This post really made me chuckle.