Dogs vs Cats

Are you a dog person or a cat person? Hopefully you're neither. If you generally categorize yourself as either of those, you should know that everyone you've ever met categorizes you as "weird," "lame," or "creepy." For instance, if you have a dog or cat-themed calendar, choose any of the previously mentioned adjectives... they are you.

That being said, there's a good chance that you, like a lot of people, aren't crazy obsessed with either cats or dogs. Good for you. But certainly you find yourself leaning toward one as your favorite of the two. And whichever direction you tend to lean, it doesn't really matter... just as long as it's not "cats." I realize that by saying that I've effectively estranged nearly 3% of the world's population, and yet I stand by it. How can I possibly claim that dogs are better than cats? I submit proof:

Item #1: Dogs do tricks. They shake, stand, sit, roll over, speak, and play dead, among other things. A cat's best trick is coming to you when you call it, but that's more of a coincidence than a trick. You cat-lovers are probably saying, "I have a really smart cat, and it does a lot of tricks." Good for you. Do you know what you call a really smart cat? A really dumb dog.

Item #2: Most cats avoid humans. If a cat isn't starving, you never see it. When a dog hears you arriving at home, it comes running to greet you. Cats flee the room as you enter. Cats don't like you any more than I like cats.

Item #3: Cats poop in the house. Oh, you buried it. Good job. If I didn't have a nose I would barely notice you exist!

Item #4: Cats offer no services. They don't protect you or your stuff from burglars. "Beware of Cat" signs... not available. Once again - they flee the room! Ever heard of a "seeing-eye cat?" Of course not. Cats don't go where you want them to or come when you call them. A seeing-eye cat would walk you right into traffic. Hurry and tell the cat to walk you into traffic when you realize you're stepping off the curb... now your cat does two tricks.

To sum up, you don't have to have dogs all over your stationary to know that cats are generally quite lame. (If you have dogs on your stationary... poor you.)